2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 14

I've got an important update from Mars: InSight rocks and it's registering sounds from the red planet.

My favorite part from NASA's update: the word Marsquakes. This changes everything....

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 13

Don't have much time to write a post this week, so here's a grab-bag of naming conventions based on player positions. They're not all winners, but rarely is the RFO.

QB: Mace Keenum - Throwin' them purple lightsaber darts.
QB: Marcus Mariyoda - Disappoint me he will.
WR: Spike Williams - C'mon Spike! Untie these knots. Spike? SPIKE!
WR: Captain Kirk - There's... someone on the wing. Some... THING!
RB: Jalen Richarlemagne - He was the last dude standing in Europe, and he'll be the last dude standing in Oakland's offense.
RB: Francis I Gore - He reigned for 21 years, or roughly 1/10th the duration of Gore's NFL career.
TE: Hangin' with Mr. Hooper - Football = TGIS TV.
W/T: Matt Who's La Boss? - I don't know, I never watched it.
W/R: Dr. Quinn Enunwa - Don't mind me, Mr. Quinn! I'm just a curious little rhino.
W/R: Carlos V Hyde - "Iron hand in a velvet glove." More like sluggish lad in a round body.
K: Stephen Hawking - "My goal is simple. It is a complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is, and why the kicker position exists in fantasy football."
DEF: Buffalo Bill Nye - The football guy.

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 12

Happy Dogegiving!

QB: Drumstick Mullens - A generous helping of TB D will fill the stat sheet.
QB: Nosh Allen - The Bills are back, baby.
WR: Pecan Brown - He'll be the recipient of 30 of 100 Ravens passing yards.
WR: Corn on the Cobb - I'm only picking him because it's Thanksgiving.
RB: De(-on) Lewcious - Sweaty Sac castoff will suddenly be a fantasy beast!
RB: Frank Corn - He's literally #4 on the all-time rushing list.
TE: Toothpick Vannett - Carolina randomly gives up the most TE points.
W/T: Dish Herndon - Pats to suffer from Hern burns.
W/R: Cape Codwin - So many Bucs passing yards to go around.
W/R: DeVante Pumpkin - Him or Kenny Chills is gonna go off... probably Chills.
K: Cake Elliott - Eagles are so mediocre, and I'm lovin' it.
DEF: Washington Turkeyskins - Scored 9 or more points in 5 of their last 6.

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 11

Evidently an oddly shaped interstellar asteroid flew threw our solar system recently, called 'Oumuamua. It's 6x longer than it is wide, making it unlike any asteroid in our solar system (and it may actually be a comet).

What's most fascinating to me is that the object apparently displays "nongravitational acceleration." The prevailing notion is this is the cause of "outgassing" - a process whereby solar heat warms frozen gasses on the surface to provide a form of propulsion. This is not to be confused with the better known form of outgassing, which is when a person is running and gets extra propulsion from their own farts.

The alternate explanation is that this object is actually an alien probe sent from another star system to gather data on ours. This hypothesis is basically Star Trek IV but with a much less cranky probe - which is pretty sweet.

Whatever the case may be: we need to save the whales (especially humpbacks).

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 10

I'm traveling for a wedding so an extra lazy RFO for this week.

QB: Pick Mullens - Let's see if last week's performance was for real; New Spork's D is totes bad.
QB: Josh Chosen - Gonna need to pass 100 times to keep up with the Beefs.
WR: Psych Williams - He'll have his one catch for a touchdown, and that's good enough for me.
WR: John Floss - Maybe this will be the one game where he justifies his draft position.
RB: Giovani Spurnard - Bengals will be playing from behind all day long.
RB: Lost In Ekeler - He randomly explodes from time to time.
TE: Benjamin Squatson - Bengals are giving up lost of points to TEs.
W/T: Jared Shook - Someone's gonna need to catch passes in Croakland.
W/R: Terrelle Friar - This is my super duper deep sleeper, hoping he replaces Sharkley at QB!
W/R: King Dedede Westbrook - Chortles is back from the bye and ready to lose his job.
K: Jason Squires - Jets offense is pretty bad - nothing but FGs.
DEF: Indianapolis Molts - Because Chortles.

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 9

Wow, my dogers. Just wow. Another improbable victory for the RFO as I edged Cash4Gould, bringing my season record up to a robust 2-6. I'm in Chicago Ferrets territory now!

I know there's a big election coming up Tuesday (Vote.), but I need to bring your attention to startling international news: a Russian kid claims he lived on Mars and was reborn on Earth... and for some reason, there are people who aren't outright dismissing him. (Link 1 and 2)

"My parents enable me." - This kid, probably.

His parents think he's real special. He could talk, write, draw at early ages (probably just gibberish).
At 7, he first concocted a story that he lived on Mars a long time ago, and that they had incredible technology and wiped each other out in a nuclear war. Evidently he visited Earth before they all died, and Martians have ties to ancient Egyptian culture. Furthermore, there's a way to "open" the Sphinx if you locate something by its ear.

Evidently this kid is in his early 20's now, but I can't find any recent information about him. My hunch is that he is an "entrepreneur" with a now ironic mullet in Brooklyn.

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 8

Halloween is just around the corner, and rather than do a write-up (because I'm lazy), I'm just going to allow you to gaze upon this incredible pumpkin carving of Thanos from Avengers.

Credit to Redditor DoggieDoc3.

The detail is seriously exquisite. Can you imagine the precision to get the shading just right without accidentally puncturing the pumpkin too much? Totes awesome. Here's a time-lapse video of it, too.

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 7

They (I) said it couldn't be done... the RFO is on a one week winning streak!

It's Fall now, and it's a great time for Fall foliage. I recently learned that the largest organism in the world is actually an interconnected set of trees (tree?) called Pando that also creates beautiful fall foliage. Here's a picture below:

You can get more large organism fun here.

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 6

The RFO took a bye for Week 5, and it wouldn't matter anyways - I'm not even close to beating any teams this year with the new roster format. In Week 4, not even one player scored a TD, and that includes passing touchdowns!

Nevertheless, the beat goes on, and this week I'm going to try to offer positive reinforcement to the squad:

QB: Glam Darnold - Discovered his deep ball last week and now playing the pedestrian Colts.
QB: Derek Star - He still has more INTs than TDs....
WR: Amari Super - He's excited to disappoint the RFO for the first time in his mistake-prone career.
WR: Best-er Rogers - 11 targets each of the past 2 weeks.
RB: Peyton Marvel - When you average 3 ypc, the key is absurdly high, unwarranted volume. Dirk Koetter knows this....
RB: Duke Johnson Swoonior - Catches on catches on catches.
TE: C.J. You-so-mazing - He averages 1 TD per year. He already has 1 TD this year....
W/T: Taylor Baberiel - A solid weapon for Mitch "Don't call me Mitch" Trubisky.
W/R: Marquez Valdes-Brilliantling - Or maybe he'll pull an Exxon Valdez on this team.
W/R: Michael Fabtree - He tends to get a lot of undeserved red zone looks.
K: Sebastian Janiwowski - This former 1st round pick (!) managed to become a league-average kicker. Wow.
DEF: Baltimore Rave-ns - Tennessee is averaging only 17.4 points per game (4th worst).

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 4

I'm traveling for a wedding so unfortunately a lot less time and effort for this post. Take what you can get, lol.

Some stylish and colorful selections for this week:

QB: Cyan Flannelhill - Pats love giving up 300 yards and multiple TD's to middling QBs.
QB: Case Greenum - KC's defense has been bailed out by its offense every week. It's bad.
WR: Taywan Tailor - Richartreuse Matthews and his 50% of snaps are gone.
WR: Rachartreuse Higgins - Because BAKER.
RB: Alfred Blue - Not even liking this pick aside from his last name.
RB: Wendyellow Smallwood - Should get some touches with injuries in the Eagles backfield.
TE: Hugo Boss-tin Hooper - Cincy might overly focus on Jones and Ridley.
W/T: Ricky Teals-(Herring)bones - Every week I pick this foo; hoping Osh Kosh b'Josh Rosen helps him.
W/R: Kelvin Benetton - Bills have got some swag for once.
W/R: Brandon Marshalls - Gotta get those discount clothes.
K: Robbie Gouldenrod - Only field goals from now on with Jimmy Choo on IR.
DEF: New Orleans Paints - They're so bad, but so it Eli.

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 3

Earlier this week, I posed the question to myself of what Simpsons characters best reflect the teams in our league. Why? It's best not to trouble one's head pondering the inanity that consumes my own.

I have a sweet jigsaw puzzle of this exact image.

Of course, I brought that mental exercise to its natural conclusion in the following blog post. Here are my takes:

• Sweaty Sac: Moe Szyslak
• Sure, he'll act like he's willing to trade you that jar of pickled eggs... but you're never gonna get that jar of pickled eggs.
• Nickel Blitz: Lenny Leonard
• Likes a mug of Duff, not quite sure how he works at the nuclear factory finishes in the top 3 so often, and wears a green shirt often (Celts).
• Chicago Ferrets: Carl Carlson
• His IQ is 214 (real stat on Wiki), he's got some Scandinavian heritage, and has a rare air of competence not ordinarily seen in Springfield.
• Neat Team: Groundskeeper Willie
• His team is a collection of untamed personalities (OBJ, AB, Marshawn); has got foreign roots and an accent.
• mangenius: Nelson Muntz
• Enjoys nothing more than a fantasy beatdown, and his QBs (Cam, Big Ben) are bruising bastards.
• smackycat: Ned Flanders
• That friendly but annoying neighbor who always does well, placing in 3 of the last 4 years. Stupid league-winning Flanders!
• Cash4Gould: Principal Skinner
• A good citizen of the league, and picking Le'Veon and Dez was the most "steamed hams" moment in league history.
• Doge Flutie: Krusty the Clown
• Amusement to cover up a lifetime of poor roster management and lack of league success.

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 2

There's a storm coming... and it's definitely not the RFO based on last week's performance.

Hope none of you live in the Carolinas. I'm in DC so the bigger issue will be flooding. #soggydoge

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 1

Like in past years: imagine you didn't show up for the fantasy draft, and auto-draft wasn't even working, leaving you with a completely empty roster to start the year. Who would you pick up to play each week?

Derp.

That's the premise of my weekly Roster Freak Out series, which I totally forgot to do yesterday, so now I'm stuck picking only players who are unowned for the Sunday and Monday nights games. If my team of rejects outscores any of the UMassBallers, I score that as a W. If not, it's a L.

We'll have to find out whether an 8-team league improves or worsens the RFO. My guess is this year will be nearly impossible since there are so many more roster slots to fill. But the RFO is nothing if not intrepid - let's roll...

2017 Roster Freak Out - Week 14 (Playoffs Rd 1)

The RFO is certainly stumbling into the playoffs and team confidence is at an all-time low. After a sub-50pt performance in Week 13, the team needs to make some drastic changes.

Wondering where all the good selections have gone...

Since this is a playoff week, my task becomes even more daunting - I have to outscore one of the 4 playoff teams playing this week to move on to Round 2. Considering I've never gotten past Round 1, my odds of success are about 1 in 1,000,000,000,000,000.

via GIPHY

2017 Roster Freak Out - Week 13

Well, it was a rough Week 12 for the RFO, and I think we all know who to blame: massively overpaid QB Joe Flacco.

But in Week 13, may the RFO rise like a phoenix from the ashes of Joe Flacco's ineptitude. May it stand tall against the performances of much better rosters and emerge triumphant!

2017 Roster Freak Out - Week 12

UMassBallers, I can't even keep track of all the wins for the RFO in recent weeks - deserved or not. I'm gonna guess that I'm 7-4 because I seem to remember the RFO had the same record as Doge Flutie. Excuse me, playoff-bound Doge Flutie.

Real-time depiction of Doge's fantasy football effort.

If there's one thing I learned from this season, it's to not even try in fantasy football, because it's all random. Life's too short to scour the waiver wires and make terrible trade proposals when you could be sitting back enjoying belly rubs.

2017 Roster Freak Out - Week 11

Oh man, remember when I scored 92 points last week? So good.

So I watched Season 2 of Stranger Things, and I realized just now that it's basically an elaborate allegory for how fantasy football is the Upside-Down of regular football. On the surface, you have these real people playing their hearts out, making the most of their talents and work. But underneath is a shadowy realm of betting that leeches off of the real game, and we're all a bunch of demogorgons feeding off of the events and misfortunes of the people playing the real game. And let's face it, for the vast majority of us, but especially Doge, fantasy football really is an Upside-Down hellscape.

Not sure how this fan's Melvingordon fits in...

Welp, I guess I solved the show - oops, spoiler alert.

2017 Roster Freak Out - Week 10

The RFO struts into Week 10 with an above .500 record, just like Doge Flutie, which is on pace to secure the #2 seed and a bye. What incredible, talented teams, just barely edging out the competition, week after every other week.

Hang 10 in Week 10.

Let's see if I can keep the good times rolling.

2017 Roster Freak Out - Week 9

A great win for the RFO last week, overcoming many teams on bye and somehow only selecting people whose names would work for Halloween puns. It's incredible how I'm 4-4 despite minimal effort because I'm bending over backwards to handle things at work.

2017 Roster Freak Out - Week 8

It was a loss last week for the RFO, but I can't be too sad about it when fall is finally in the air, a new season of Stranger Things is released, and Halloween is around the corner.

Lots of teams on bye this week, so this could get ugly.