The Greatest Sports Analyst That Ever Lived

Loyal TDZ acolytes probably think I'm referring to the staggering genius of this blog, but no. There once lived a sports fan whose intelligence dwarfed my own, rendering my lilliputian attempts at insightful blogging moot. A fan whose analysis was so trenchant and accurate that you'd swear he must have the gift of foresight. A fan of such mental dexterity that you would drown trying to match wits in his environment...

I'm talking of course about Paul the Octopus, the late cephalopod that accurately predicted every single match he cared to wager on in the 2010 World Cup. During his time, mankind thought he was one-of-a-kind, a phenom whose blaze of glory would never be equalled again. But we were wrong.

German marine scientists are conducting skills-training exercises and competitions to uncover the next Paul for the Women's World Cup this year. It's only a matter of time before the top sports-lovin' octopi are bred for the job, and we can only hope useless ESPN analysts like Merrill Hoge, Herm Edwards, Skip Bayless, Colin Cowherd, Jim Rome, Steve Phillips, Screamin' Steven A. Smith, Jeff Van Gundy, Bill Plaschke, Stuart Scott, Jon Gruden, Joe Morgan, Mike Golic, Mike Greenberg, Tim Hasselbeck, Erik Kuselius, Lou Holtz, Rick Reilly, Mike Tirico, Jon Barry and Chris Broussard are all replaced.

(Did I forget anyone?)