Gold Cup 2011 - Ole's and Lol's

From sea to shining sea - and from the arctic circle to the Panama Canal - a continent descends into a soccer-crazed furor. Nations clash in blood-boiling zealotry. Hark, as drums pound relentlessly and vuvuzelas overwhelm the senses and drive the citizenry to madness. The earth is torn asunder by spiked footmen with canons for legs. What team will reign over the inevitable post-apocalyptic blight that will remain?

Damn soccer players, ruining my DC.

These are the questions that need answering for a niche (but not as small as you think) of sports fans who follow the Gold Cup. What they lack in numbers, however, they make up for in fanaticism. Here's a look at the competing countries and their chances for continental conquest!




Group A

Ugh, his face is as annoying as Ronaldo's.

Mexico - For those unfamiliar with the Gold Cup, this team is usually a finalist, and they're the defending champ and favorite this year. The team was on a bit of a talent siesta in the middle of the decade, but fresh youngsters from this country are beginning to make big impacts. Javier Hernandez, better known as "Chicharito" ("little pea") is one of the world's fastest rising stars and has already made an impact in both national competition and for his club Manchester United. He notched a hat trick already in his first game against El Salvador. Throw in some experienced vets like long-time defensive stalwart Rafa Marquez and Mexico has the ingredients for a team that might be caliente at just the right time.

Costa Rica - This team is always one to contend with, but it's at a tier below the two heavyweights (Mexico and the U.S.). Having destroyed Cuba 5-0 already in their first game, they look destined to battle with Mexico for group supremacy, but they're going to have to surprise some people to take down El Tri. As if that matchup wasn't hyped enough, Costa Rica's coach (Ricardo La Volpe) is the former coach of Mexico, and reviled by many Mexican fans for not beating Argentina in World Cup 2006.

Cuba - I don't know much about Cuba as a soccer-playing country, and I doubt many people do. What I do know is that they're winless in their last 8 Gold Cup games (including their loss to Costa Rica), and that's a bad thing. They've pulled out of tournaments before based on concern that players would desert the team, so you've got to wonder if they're just happy to be out of the country. It might be time for Cubans to turn their attention to baseball and tending the sugar cane.

El Salvador - This team's greatest recent achievement was earning fourth place in this year's Copa Centroamericana, beating the likes of Nicaragua and Belize. Striker Rafael Burgos won the Golden Boot for that tourney, but this team's not known for upsets. Look for them to go 1-0-2 like the previous two Gold Cups.

Group B

Wilson Palacios

Honduras - This group is weaker than Elijah Price, but Honduras looks to be the best of the worst. Fresh off a respectable 2010 World Cup in which they were never blown out, even against eventual winner Spain (0-2), anything less than a semifinal appearance would be a disappointment. Wilson Palacios of Tottenham and Hendry Thomas of Wigan pace a solid midfield that will keep them in games and will present difficulties for any team they meet in the elimination rounds. Given their easy path and solid experience at all positions, I wouldn't be surprised to see them in the final or winning the Cup altogether.

Jamaica - The perennial rulers of Caribbean soccer, The Reggae Boyz have had less success against larger landmass teams. They haven't qualified for a World Cup since 1998 and didn't even escape Round 1 of the Gold Cup last year. Still, their top striker, Luton Shelton, is already their all-time leader in goals at the age of 25, and numerous players on their roster have MLS experience. The group stage should be cool runnings for them, but don't expect much beyond that.

Guatemala - Long-time MLS player Carlos Ruiz is the veteran leader of this side, playing alongside fellow attacker (and hilarious name club member) Jairo Arreola.  Solidly locked in as a third tier team in the tourney, Guatemala regularly beats the likes of El Salvador and Belize while lacking the quality to beat second tier sides like Honduras and Costa Rica. A win against Jamaica will be vital to have any hope of advancing.

Grenada - Perhaps the most lol-worthy team in the tournament: the head coach asked journalists to get a hold of New England Revolution leader Shalrie Joseph to see if he'd play for him. It sounds like Grenadians don't even care to play for the national team. Still, if you want to follow their hilarious tournament sojourn, you can follow their awesomely named forward, Bradley Bubb, who has just a few more Twitter followers than this unpopular blog!

Group C

Dempsey face. Classic.

USA - As mentioned before, USA is the other favorite to win it all, but recent play has cast doubt for many American fans. A 4-0 demolition by World Cup champ Spain in raucous Gillette Stadium exposed some serious deficiencies in the U.S. defense. Meanwhile, the offense managed only 1 shot on goal and has scored just 2 goals in 4 matches this year. Their talent level is high enough to win the Cup, but Coach Bradley will need his team to show fans something new if they want to end their malaise.

Canada - I used to consider Canadian soccer much like ultimate frisbee: a bunch of white guys running around being irrelevant. That's not an accurate assessment today. Cut from a similar cloth as the U.S. team, Canada has a number of players with MLS experience (Dwayne De Rosario, Will Johnson), and even European club experience (Atiba Hutchinson, Robert Friend). If the U.S. trips up against this team, Canada will suddenly be in the driver's seat for Group C.

Panama - Panama went from being Gold Cup irrelevant in the early part of the decade to being a consistent playoff team later on, including a runner up finish in 2005. Given their recent success and the quality of the two previously mentioned teams, consider Group C the grupo de la muerte. The player to watch for Panama will likely be Mexican Leaguer Blas Perez, who was one of the Best XI for 2007's Gold Cup rendition.

Guadeloupe - Guadeloupe isn't even a real country, but there's nothing phony about their success in regional competition. A French island of 450,000 inhabitants, Guadeloupe has qualified and excelled in previous Gold Cup competition, including semifinal (2007) and quarterfinal (2009) appearances. Very little is expected from this team, which either makes them irrelevant or dangerous.


The winner:

That's a big-ass cup.

Mexico
Assuming the final in Pasadena ends up being USA-Mexico as expected, recent experience from the past decade says that the USA has handled Mexico on U.S. soil, however Mexico appears to be on the rise. A future superstar like Chicharito is just the spark Mexico needs to rise up and join the elite soccer nations of the world, and so far he's stayed on track to become that player. In the RPG that is his career, a Gold Cup victory would give him a level up and a chance for Mexico to win the 2013 Confederations Cup in Brazil.

With some serious doubts regarding both the goal-scoring ability and defense of the U.S., I'm hard-pressed to see them hoisting the cup at the end of the month, but will root for them to turn it around nevertheless. Their group matches won't make life any easier either.

Gold Cup action begins for the U.S. today as they face Canada at 8 pm on Fox Soccer Channel or via suspect internet feed.