2015 Roster Freak Out - Week 13

Have you guys ever read articles about these ghost towns in the U.S. that have zero residents and are up for sale for the cost of a house? I've got to admit, they have a certain allure - the idea of owning a whole town sounds pretty awesome, even if no one else lives there.

There are quite a few available, such as Johnsonville, CT; Swett, SD; or my favorite name of all: Dead Mule Canyon, CO. But this morning I was just going through the mental exercise of what it would actually be like to buy one of these ghost towns.

An ominous, hollowed-out church - it's the bleak town backdrop you never knew you wanted!

For starters, let's think about utilities.

• Hopefully the town has a well and septic system still in place - if not, your town might get renamed to Poopsville. 
• I'm not exactly seeing a lot of power lines in any of these places, but this does offer the opportunity to be fully off the power grid. The only downside is needing to buy a bunch of solar panels and/or windmills (assuming your town gets a decent breeze), which would probably get pricey, so factor that in before buying.
• For heating - if you get oil or natural gas delivered to your town, it's probably not that huge of a hassle, relative to the water and power issues.

Next, let's consider services that connect you with the rest of civilization. If these aren't important to you, then it's not a big deal, but I unfortunately have an addiction to TV and fantasy sports, so I'm gonna need internet. 

It sounds like the only option for internet in a remote location via satellite, which evidently isn't that expensive. Granted, I've never really tried satellite internet, but this almost turned into a reason for moving the boonies. Just make sure your ghost town has clear skies most of the year. I couldn't imagine the frustration of not being able to tinker with my lineup on Sundays due to cloud cover.

Aside from all this stuff, you've just got to be concerned about basic services, like how far to the nearest grocery store (I doubt your ghost town land is capable of yielding crops). Lastly, make sure your town has well-paved roads, that you don't have a roaming pack of coyotes threatening your every move outdoors, and understand that literal ghosts will haunt your every waking and restless sleeping hour.

You are now ready to own your very own ghost town!

This is our land, meat.

At 5-7, I need the division leaders to lose their next 2 while I win 2 in a row, meaning I'm basically just playing for pride at this point. Not quite the magical journey of yesteryear, but I've had a ball making player names into awful puns. Here're some more for ye.

QB: Spock Osweiler - A logical play against a sad Chargers squad.
WR: Brian Shartline - Remember that game when he had 253 yards and a TD? That's already 3 years ago.
RB: Matt Groans - He has more fumbles lost than TDs.
TE: Chance McDonald - I like his odds with Garrett Celery out.
W/T: Grendel Wright - His ineffectiveness last week was mythical.
W/R: Juke Gone-son - The only Browns back who can get more than a yard per carry.
W/R: Derriere Garcon - Hasn't scored a TD since Week 6 - he's due.
K: Madame In-a-ferry - The old gal should get quite a few opportunities against a mediocre Steelers D.
DEF: Miami Lawlphin's - Terrible defense, but Matt Slob knows how to throw a pick-6.


RESULTS:

QB: Spock Osweiler - 8.74 points
WR: Brian Shartline - 8.3 points
RB: Matt Groans - 5.4 points
TE: Chance McDonald - 1.8 points
W/T: Grendel Wright - 2.8 points
W/R: Juke Gone-son - 3.2 points
W/R: Derriere Garcon - 5.4 points
K: Madame In-a-ferry - 4 points
DEF: Miami Lawlphin's - 19 points
TOTAL: 58.64 points

I got beat by Parker!