The All Big Bigs Team

Baseball has always been known as a plump man's game. Perhaps its biggest star of all-time, Babe Ruth, was infamous for his hot dog binges and plus-sized waistline. Portly players excelling in baseball isn't the exception - it's the norm. Children of America: if you want to be a great ballplayer, don't you dare think aerobics will get you anywhere. The best thing you can do is strengthen those wrists scooping out ice cream.

In recognition of the more corpulent MLB stars, I'd like to present a sabermetric analysis of the best blubbery big league team a manager could ask for.

With all due gravity gravitas to appropriate method, I've devised the following calculation for the All Big Bigs Team = WAR * 2(W/H) (for years 1990-present)

• WAR* - Wins Above Replacement, but on a per year basis (not ideal, but I don't got all day)
• 2(W/H)* - Weight in pounds divided by inches of height (aka the rotundity ratio™) and doubled for emphasis

* source: baseball-reference.com

One other factor: I've included an "eyeball test." Overall, the stats didn't lie, but I was prepared to let myself be the judge whether or not there was enough pudge. Some steroid users were quite heavy, but I was looking for a more "Ruthian" physique. This also meant that I limited the available player pool to those I've witnessed in my lifetime as a fan (roughly since 1988). Lastly, some of the weights provided by Baseball Reference were generously low (see David Wells), in which case I sought other sources to verify.

Without further ado, I believe the list of players below combine the best in talent and girth, tipping the scales of any match-up in this super team's favor.

Position Players

Catcher - Yadier Molina - 9.3
Probably not the first Molina brother you think of when it comes to the gut, but Yadier is comparable to Bengie and also a far better catcher, providing stellar defense and serviceable offense. Though some would wonder why "Pudge" Rodriguez isn't here, he definitely did not pass the eyeball test, likely due to hitting the gym/roids too often.

I hear their mom's a great cook.

First Base - Prince Fielder - 20.0

The MVP candidate outdoes father Cecil to win the position. I guess some things never change. He also beats a host of plump 1Bs that had no other position to go to.

Second Base - Juan Uribe - 8.6
These middle infield spots were tough to select, but I think I found a couple winners. Uribe is coming off a surprisingly productive year for the World Champ Giants, and he's teammates with my starting 3B. Maybe San Fran GM Brian Sabean stumbled across this winning formula even before I did.

Shortstop - Jhonny Peralta - 13.0
Though lacking a bit in the blubber department, Jhonny's huge face makes up for any lack of junk in the trunk. He's in the midst of a stellar season right now as the Tigers try to outpace his former team, the Cleveland Indians, in the AL Central.

Third Base - Pablo Sandoval - 15.4
It's still early in his career, but the Panda knows how to produce. Aside from his offensive talents, he has a surprising amount of pounce on defense, and I will certainly follow his career with great zeal.

Left Field - Carlos Lee - 12.0

El Caballo has a funny way of showing up here at TDZ. Although a gifted hitter for most of his career, Lee's defense is so awful that his high rotundity ratio couldn't make up for his awful WAR numbers.

Center Field - Kirby Puckett - 24.2

Though his career was relatively brief (12 seasons), Kirby was quite productive during those years, enough so to edge out Andruw Jones (who only became pudgy about 3 years ago anyways). A 10-time All-Star, I'll always remember him as a part of the 1991 Twins team that went worst to first, as well as this leaping catch at the old Metrodome in Game 6.

Look at that vertical!!

Right Field - Tony Gwynn - 21.7

One of my favorite players of all-time, Mr. Padre didn't let me down as the top RF in my research. Deceptively nimble and with an incredibly low K rate, Tony amassed 8 batting crowns as well as over 3,000 hits. 

Designated Hitter - Frank Thomas - 24.9
I was hoping to put Big Papi David Ortiz in this roster spot, but he'll have to be a backup to The Big Hurt. A two time MVP award winner and the highest scorer among the offensive players, Frank's place on this team is still only barely secured with a questionable eyeball test approval. If you're looking for a pure DH (and the best homerun hitting DH in MLB history), then go with Papi at a score of 13.1.

Pitching Staff

SP - C.C. Sabathia - 30.6
Even at 6'7", C.C. had the Rotundity Ratio to eclipse Curt Schilling as the ace of this staff despite slightly lower WAR numbers. He's one of the few active pitchers who has a possibility of achieving 300 wins should he stay healthy, a truly elite big man.

SP - Curt Schilling - 26.3
What a bloody sock, and what a gut. He had an impressive run with the Phillies, D'Backs and Red Sox, winning 3 World Series and leading all pitchers on this list in WAR/yr. Now retired, he can finally spend time with his true passion: playing Everquest.

Somebody leveled up.

SP - Carlos Zambrano - 20.0
"El Toro" is nearly 270 lbs of fastball and Gatorade slamming fury. And big league pitchers have learned that if you mess with the bull, you get the horns: Z's slugged 22 homers over his 11 seasons. With his production in decline the past few years, however, his contract is looking a bit hefty.

SP - David Wells - 19.3
Consistency, thy name is Boomer. Over his 21 seasons he pitched for 9 teams, and he was largely effective at every stop, amassing a winning percentage of .604. Never possessing an overwhelming heater compared to his caloric comrades, his reliance on finesse was likely responsible for his longevity, while other big men succumbed to injuries or ineffectiveness late in their careers (see above... and below).

SP - Bartolo Colon - 16.6
A former Cy Young award winner, Rolo Colon disappeared from baseball in 2010 only to make a surprisingly successful comeback with the Yankees this year, playing a vital part on the team's staff.

Closer - Bobby Jenks - 9.4
Perhaps he's become washed up before our very eyes, but on both rotundity and WAR/yr, Jenks is tops among relievers. I'm still holding out hope that he at least gets his goatee mojo back.

RP - Heath Bell - 8.0
Easily the hottest big man closing commodity in baseball today, the Heath Bar has been stellar with the Padres and should be traded to a contending team before the trade deadline this year. A fierce competitor, he also knows how to let loose.

RP - Bob Wickman - 7.8
I always felt this guy was underrated, now I've got the numbers to prove it. He had a number of successful stops in the majors and led the league in saves once with the Indians.

RP - Joba Chamberlain - 6.6
Though I like to make fun of him, Joba the Hutt has been effective over his young career - except against the Red Sox, against whom his ERA is approaching 5. That's my kind of Yankee. On a sad note, he's missing the rest of the season with an injured elbow.

RP - Jonathan Broxton - 6.3
Over the first part of his career, MLB's first 300 lb. man amassed some impressive stats, including K/9 routinely north of 10. With a sudden loss of velocity due to elbow issues (like Joba), his K/9 dropped to 7.1 and blown saves became the routine. Hopefully he can bounce back and anchor that Dodgers bullpen again.

RP -Rod Beck - 5.8
"Shooter" was one of my favorite relievers in the 90's, getting the job done for a variety of teams including the Red Sox late in his career. His graceful mullet and handlebar mustache were instantly recognizable, and I wouldn't be surprised if he was the inspiration for Kenny Powers. Sadly, he died at the age of 38, supposedly from a cocaine overdose. Rod clearly loved the game and lived in the moment, always freely expressing his adrenaline and triumph in closing out ballgames.

There you have it. If I could give this team a home it would be Springfield - the biggest team for the biggest town in America (just edging out Milwaukee).

Let me know if you think I forgot anyone!