Ice Hockey

The Stanley Cup playoffs are in full swing. Pucks flying, overtime-ing, bodies colliding, and Philly goalies bench-riding. Though hockey is a distant fourth in popularity among the Big 4 sports, fans of the game will argue at your face that it's the most thrilling sport to watch, particularly in the playoffs. In consideration of the multitude who haven't come to this realization yet, I give my "Ice Hockey" primer.

For each of the 4 remaining teams in the playoffs, I will pick a goalie, fat guy, medium guy, and skinny guy that match up with the player types in this most delightful of NES games. Sure, Blades of Steel is also amazing, but nothing beats the combination of whimsy and chess-like strategy of "Ice Hockey."

Let's begin!




Eastern Conference

Goalie: Tim Thomas - Boston Bruins
Timmay is one of the most well-respected players in the league based on his incredible work ethic and acrobatic saves. He played for a variety of teams before breaking through with the Bruins after the age of 30, playing at UVermont and a variety of European and minor league teams. A Vezina Trophy (best goalie) winner 2 years ago, he'll likely win again this year as he leads the Bruins in their hunt for the Cup.

Medium Guy: Alexander Ovechkin - Washington Capitals
Like the Medium Guy in the game, Ovy's pretty big, but he's also pretty fast. He's also pretty kick-ass. He's created more highlight reel than any other player in the league since the lockout, due in part to being so physically gifted with size and speed, but the programmers in 1988 could never imagine such slick moves like these. With the Penguins eliminated and the Flyers without a true #1 goalie, this might be his best chance to win a Cup.

Skinny Guy: Martin St. Louis - Tampa Bay Lightning
The Skinny Guy is supposed to be the tallest, but I'm counting the 5'9" St. Louis as the Skinny Guy for his style of play and flair for the dramatic. If there was ever a player in Ice Hockey that could go coast-to-coast and skate around everyone with his speed, it's Marty. He had 99 points on the year and has been a thorn in the Capitals' side in his latest playoff series, beating players to pucks on a regular basis as the Lightning have raced out to a 3-0 series lead.

Fat Guy: Chris Pronger - Philadelphia Flyers
One of the most loathed players in the league, Pronger is basically a big bully. He's also a big bully that wins. He's reached the Stanley Cup Finals with 3 different teams, and he has some unfinished business after losing to the Blackhawks last year. Like the Fat Guy, he can outmuscle anyone, has a strong shot, but isn't very mobile, particularly in his old age. This Fat Guy will be looking to steamroll some Bruins on his way to the Conference Finals.

Western Conference

Goalie: Pekka Rinne - Nashville Predators
When you see a team in the second round of the playoffs without a true number one scorer, you know their goalie must be a game changer. Pekka definitely fits that description very well. The Finn had a sterling .930 save percentage and has led the Preds to their first playoff series victory in franchise history. Now Nashville residents are finally turning off their Carrie Underwood music and tuning in to a hockey team that could go deep with Rinne in net.

Medium Guy: Ryan Kesler - Vancouver Canucks
Kesler does it all for the Canucks. Improving upon a breakout year in 09-10, Kesler exhibited a solid scoring touch (41 goals), deft passing skills, stout defense, and he's not afraid to tangle with the Fat Guys when he has to. With some scares already this postseason, the #1 Canucks will need Kesler's well-balanced play to stabilize the team as it tries reaching the Cup for the first time since 1994.

Skinny Guy: Pavel Datsyuk - Detroit Red Wings
Deceptively skinny, angular, and slippery, Datsyuk is known throughout the NHL as one of the most skilled players in the league. Though not your typical Skinny Man burner, he can evade defenders with a toolbox of nifty moves, and is also, as they say in Russia, Ivan-on-the-spot when it comes to defense. A perennial Cup contender, the Red Wings are looking dangerous with Pavel healthy and up to his old tricks.

Fat Guy: Joe Thornton - San Jose Sharks
The artist formerly known as "Big Bird" in his Bruin days, Thornton has been a Fat Guy his entire career. Just like the game character, Joe can simply occupy an area of the ice and shed smaller defenders with his size, allowing himself ample time to make a great pass. Equally at home on the ice or beating up townies and cops in rural bars in Canada, Joe has still failed in one respect: winning in the playoffs. With a first round victory over the Kings, Jumbo Joe is looking to shed the choker label for good and (slowly) skate his way toward hoisting the cup.