March Madness: Cinderella's Killer Heels

We've all been beaten before by people (girls) who pick winners based on which uniforms are the prettiest. Shockingly, it's not a bad theory: the best basketball programs produce the greatest amount of revenue, which in turn is used for premium uniforms and careful color coordination and logo design.

In my opinion, the best way to make picks is to incorporate the fashion strategy into an end-of-season information blitz. By ignoring the ups and downs of a long season, you can take a look at the teams as a whole and not get caught up on recent successes or failures. With this arbitrary strategy, I present my picks for Round 1:




Ohio State v. some team - sure, I understand the play-in games create more revenue, but playing into the tourney for the opportunity to get smacked down by Jared Sullinger and the top team in the country is borderline cruel. Buckeyes are number 1 in the hood, G.

George Mason v. Villanova - George Mason made an improbable Final Four run in 2006, so it's no stranger to upsets. Though an 8 seed, they feel like an underdog against perennial Big Dance team Thrillanova. The Wildcats look more like declawed lolcats this year: pick the Patriots to return to their usual antics.

This felinomorphization of the Villanova fan base is seriously not pleased by my pick.

West Virginia v. UAB/Clemson - C'mon, how does UAB get an at-large bid? They're as irrelevant to tourney inclusion as Caligula is to "Sane Monarchs Quarterly" inclusion. And Clemson? There's a perennial early round loser. Pick those Mountaineers.

Kentucky v. Princeton - Princeton actually has a strong basketball legacy, but John Calipari's trail of recruiting violations destroys legacies of any integrity - in the early rounds anyways. Kentucky for the dub in a surprisingly close game.

Xavier v. Marquette - Xavier is always Sweet 16 relevant, while Dwyane Wade U. always seems to have some dangerous playmakers that can create upsets at any time. Xavier obviously has a stimulating "X" on their uniform, but looking at the turnover numbers of their top scorers against mediocre A-10 competition like UMass, I'm going to have to pick the Golden Eagles in an upset.

Syracuse v. Indiana State - Indiana State is best known as being Larry Bird's college team, so I get warm fuzzy feelings seeing them tourney relevant. However, they have a bunch of losses considering their weak conference, and they don't have a Larry Bird-type player. 'Cuse rolls.

Good times.

Washington v. Georgia - Neither of these teams plays well against ranked opponents, but Washington managed to win the Pac-10 tournament and has a player named Isaiah Thomas. Huskies.

UNC v. Long Island - Before it's all said and done, LIU will be hearing Adagio for Strings and throwing their hands up in despair over the inhumanity of the slaughter. (First comment that names the movie I'm referencing gets a cookie.)

Duke v. Hampton - Hampton is just down I-64 from my alma mater. They're also better than LIU. That's all the nice things I have to say about them. Duke nukes 'em.

Michigan v. Tennessee - Talk about a matchup of really annoying, irrelevant teams. I guess go with Tennessee since they aren't 1-8 against top 25 teams, plus your bracket groups might give you extra points for upsets. Watch Bruce Pearl's team sweat to victory.

Arizona v. Memphis - Arizona is a contender once again, while Memphis is young and inexperienced, however neither team has beaten a ranked opponent. Arizona is ranked, Memphis is not. Charlie Sheen sheds a tear as Tiger blood is spilled in Tulsa.

Texas v. Oakland - Oakland is a high-scoring team (85 ppg) that could do some serious damage to Texas if they get in a rhythm. However, Texas is playing very close to Texas (Tulsa) and has quality wins against ranked teams, including 1 seed Kansas. Hook 'em horns.

Cincinnati v. Missouri - Whenever I think of Cincinnati I think of Bearclaws, and I get hungry. And when I'm hungry my mind doesn't work so well, which is why I'm picking Missouri and its 5 players averaging double-figures for the random upset.

UConn v. Bucknell - Kemba Walker is one of the few big-name players I know, and typically if you have a player as good as him on your team, you're thinking Sweet 16 at a minimum. Consider that Stephen Curry of Davidson, and Omar Samhan (aka the E. Honda of college basketball) of St. Mary's made it that far with lesser supporting casts. Huskies.

Temple v. Penn State - The Nittany Lions have a pretty popular logo and color scheme, while Fran Dunphy has never led his team to the second round of the tournament. Factor in some veteran scoring and leadership and you're looking at PSU with the upset.

San Diego State v. Northern Colorado - Since when is San Diego State good at basketball? I love a team named the Aztecs though. Watch for SDS to play a ullamaliztli style game with the heads of Northern CO's unfortunate players serving as end-of-game trophies.

More picks to come!