Cinderella's Killer Heels Part 2 - The Fancy Reckoning

Making these picks isn't as easy as it looks. I've been flying solo ever since the information in a Grays Sports Almanac I found out in Cali in 1985 expired in 2000. Man, people had no idea what the future would look like back in the '80s. I'm still holding out hope for Blade Runner to pan out though.

Anyways - more picks after the cut!




Kansas v. BU - BU lost to UMass by 14 points earlier this year. Nuff said. The best thing the Terriers can do is just have fun out there. Maybe start up a game of H-O-R-S-E with Kansas to work on some trick shots and wile the time away as Kansas will have destroyed them by the end of the first half. Better than watching a really poor basketball game.

UNLV v. Illinois - I haven't been this ambivalent over a choice since I had to choose between Deval Patrick and Charlie Baker for Mass state governor. I don't know, dude, I just don't want to pay an annual excise tax for owning a car in this friggin' state. Whatever, I guess go for Illinois for the upset and bonus point.

Vanderbilt v. Richmond - Experts say that at least one 12 seed wins in the first round every year, and my Spidey-sense is telling me Richmond is this year's darling 12 seed. They have a quality win over Purdue on their resume and a bunch of seniors returning from last year's Sweet 16 team. They'll be partying at the Jefferson Hotel this weekend.

Louisville v. Morehead State - This looks like one pretty good team facing up against one monster player (Kenneth Faried). I typically choose the Brock Samson-type player on principle, but man-beasts like Faried tend to overdo it and get in foul trouble, which would make Louisville an easy winner. The Cards are in the cards.

Yeah, that's a flagrant foul on the T-Rex at a minimum.

Georgetown v. USC/VCU - Unfortunately my pick here hinges on who wins the play-in game. VCU is  more lamb than ram, but USC has a number of quality wins against such foes as Texas and Arizona, and a near-win in Kansas. If USC plays in, look for sailor dudes with popped collars across NW DC to be in mourning by the weekend.

Purdue v. St. Peter's - Spaldawg's alma mater looks particularly strong this year with a winning record against top-25 teams including a win against Ohio State. The odds of the Boilermakers losing to St. Peter's are the same as an Andrew W.K. song not having the word "party" in it. Party time in West Lafayette.


Texas A&M v. Florida State - Neither team plays particularly well against good teams, or away from home... how'd these teams get in the tournament? The Aggies have boring uniforms, and the Seminoles' D is about as stout as a nice Guinness draught. Let's raise a pint tomorrow for St. Patty's and pick FSU in our brackets.

Notre Dame v. Akron - Akron hasn't beaten a single good team. Notre Dame is 8-3 against top-25 teams. You don't need Sheldon Cooper to do the math here: pick the Fighting Irish on St. Patty's weekend.

Pitt v. UNC Asheville - Pitt is the top team out of the BEAST, which makes them a lock for the Sweet 16 at a minimum. You'll also notice that UNC Asheville's logo is literally a Hanna Barbera cartoon bulldog. You know what to do.

Yup, I'm that generic, menacing dog that gets outwitted in cartoons. Fear my inevitable demise!

Butler v. Old Dominion - We all know Butler made it to the final last year, but I see an early exit for them this year without Gordon Hayward handling the ball. ODU's men's team has finally caught up with their women's program, and their defense and rebounding should stymie slow-as-molasses forward Matt Howard of Butler. Seriously, I thought my low-post game was slow and deliberate! ODU with the minor upset.

Kansas State v. Utah State - Whenever a team is mixed up in NCAA rule violations, you know they've got to be good. Jacob Pullen & Co. will be looking to surpass last year's Elite 8 performance against a Utah State squad that is actually a 30 win team and not a team to underestimate. Still, NCAA violations + Elite 8 pedigree = 1st round win. It's math.

Wisconsin v. Belmont - Wisconsin's one of those teams with lots of white players that just knows how to play ugly. I did a double-take when I saw that they lost to Penn State in the Big 10 tourney 36-33! Was the shot clock broken?! I can only imagine what 10,000 fans rolling there eyes for an afternoon must've looked like. On the positive side, the Badgers never lose in the first round, shoot well from the line, and have two very good scoring options. Pick Wisconsin in a close battle over Belmont.

St. John's v. Gonzaga - St. John's at various points in the year has beaten Duke, Pitt, Notre Dame, UConn, Georgetown, and other tournament teams. Quite the impressive resume. So why am I picking the Zags, off in the corner chewing on their toenails with hardly any big wins? Gonzaga has a scoring 7' center in Robert Sacre, who'll be matching up against 6'8" Justin Burrell. This poses problems offensively and defensively for the Johnnies, who happened to earn many of their big wins through the tremendous home court advantage of MSG. Out in Denver with nothing to lose, watch for the Zags to surprise some people.

BYU v. Wofford - My comments on Kemba Walker pertain equally, if not moreso, to Jimmer Fredette of BYU. To my knowledge, no team has been able to stop him, and I doubt Wofford's undersized roster is going to contain him any better than Data's original programming was able to contain his aspirations to become more human. The pick is clear: manifest destiny, biznitches.

UCLA v. Michigan State - Kalin Lucas, Durrell Summers, Draymond Green... I feel like I've heard about these MSU players for years ever since they were recruited. Coach Tom Izzo also has his team performing at its best in March every year, so I find it hard to believe that they get knocked out in the opening round. Meanwhile, UCLA has had an up and down year that I can't make sense of, though I recognize that they have a young team with zero seniors. Always a safe bet to go with Izzo.

Florida v. UC Santa Barbara - Gotta love a team called the Gauchos, plus they've got a two-headed monster leading their scoring. Like the two-headed beast Orthrus, however, it will only be known for being unceremoniously slain. It doesn't help that Florida is playing in its backyard. Swamp chomp.

Out of all the regions, look for the southeast to be the most exciting. I could see any of the seeds between 1 and 10 making a serious Final Four run. I hope the preceding flawless logic helped you out, and best of luck to you.