Better Than Nothin' - Fantasy Hockey 2K13

Oh, you didn't think I'd miss out on a season of fantasy hockey just because it's a shortened year, did you? The puck dropped on January 19, and you better believe that TDZ is going to be one Serious Cat to contend with in his rando auction league.

Serious Cat = hax

Click below for a breakdown of all the Mike Ricci-hot bargains and Patrik Stefan-hilarious busts in this truncated fantasy season.

I'm Not Dead Yet! - The NHL Lockout Comes to a Close, Probably

With the 2012-2013 season on the line, the players and owners came together and finally reached a tentative agreement on a Collective Bargaining Agreement.

The result? It looks like a win for the players, though both sides got some things they wanted. Here's how it all shook out:

• Cap of $64.3 million (up from $60 million originally proposed by league, down from $67 million proposed by players)
• Salary floor of $44 million (a mere $8.3 million in 2011-2012)
• Limits on contract lengths
• 8 years if re-signing, 7 years if signing a free agent that switches teams
• Salary variance maxed at 35% from one year to the next, as well as no year being more than 50% lower than the highest annual salary in the deal
• E.g. anyone with a salary of $10 million for one year within the contract can't have a salary lower than $5 million for another year in that contract.
• This should help avoid wildly long deals that circumvented the cap, but it's still a pretty good deal for the players. The NHL was asking for 5% variance at one point.
• Revenue sharing of $200 million, with a $60 million "growth fund." Not sure exactly what that is yet.
• Neutral third party will make decisions on appeals for suspensions of 6 games or more.

Now with a little luck, the puck will drop in a few weeks, but part of me is still hoping this framework for a deal breaks down and we see the rise of the WHA.

WHA, Part Deux - Postbecoming the Greatness It Never Wasn't

As a sports fan and former sports academic (technically speaking), there's nothing that intrigues me more than the possibility of an upstart rival league challenging the monopoly of the incumbent. With the money involved in today's sports industry, it's hard to imagine conditions being just right to create an opportunity with a reasonable chance of success. The existing league would have to be poorly run, have an even poorer relationship with its labor force, regularly test the loyalty of the fans, and if it wasn't even operating, that would be even better. I figured I'd never see such an opportunity within my lifetime. How could any league let things get so bad?

But this is exactly what we're seeing with today's NHL. Now on its second lockout in 8 years, the question we should be asking isn't whether there should be a rival league. The question is, why isn't there a rival league?

Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy-roy-roy - Weekly Trivia!

http://www.sadtrombone.com/

Well, it looks like Martin Brodeur will not be hoisting the Stanley Cup a fourth time, but you know who did most recently? Patrick Roy. If only Brodeur had beat him in 2001, he'd be going for #5 right now. Whoever guessed correctly, make yourself known! (Probably my Dad, again.)

#1 and #4 respectively.

It seems like every few weeks, someone's throwing a no-hitter (or getting away with one). Honestly, who even cares anymore? I want to know which teams aren't throwing no-no's. Those are the kind of contrarians I want to root for. So, my question is:

Which team has gone the longest without throwing a no-hitter?

• Milwaukee Brewers
• Minnesota Twins
• Seattle Mariners
• Baltimore Orioles
• New York Mets

Good luck.

You Come at the King, You Best Not Miss - Weekly Trivia!

Andrew has never been the name of the monarch of England (post-William the Conqueror). The other tempting option was Stephen, the grandson of William (depicted below), as there was only one of him and he ruled a long time ago.

He was admittedly a difficult man to address - many avoided doing so to keep out of his uncomfortable, confusing gaze.

My Dad is on a tear right now: he got this week's answer, as well as the Yorktown one last week. Will he be toppled from his lofty TDZ trivia champion perch this week?

That depends on your knowledge of the new topic: Stanley Cup goalies. The puck drops for the finals this Wednesday, and Devils goalie Martin Brodeur will try to win his 4th Stanley Cup.

Who was the last goalie to win 4 Stanley Cups?

• Patrick Roy
• Chris Osgood
• Dominik Hasek
• Grant Fuhr
• Billy Smith

Good luck, and happy Memorial Day.

The Playoff Point Parade - Weekly Trivia!

Well, I wish there was some kind of interesting anecdote for the answer this week, but the most predictable answer was the right one: Wayne Gretzky holds the record with 47 points in a single postseason (1985). Amazingly, he amassed that total in a mere 18 games.

For the WHA!

Let's face it: if there's an NHL scoring record and you have to guess who it is, Gretzky versus the field is about a 50:50 chance. Whoever was the great one to pick The Great One, make yourself known!

This week, I've got to give a nod to Ryan Braun's home run hat trick last night. Y'know what's even more impressive? Not popping testosterone pills to do it. Hitting four home runs in one game. Only 15 players have accomplished that feat...

Which of the following players did NOT hit four home runs in one game?

• Lou Gehrig
• Jimmie Foxx
• Willie Mays
• Mike Schmidt
• Mark Whiten

Good luck, and have a hard hittin' week.

Baldr's Fate - Weekly Trivia!

It was a tough trivia question this week, as only one statement about Loki was slightly erroneous: Loki did not himself kill Baldr, but influenced Baldr's blind brother, Hodr, as prophesied, to kill him (not to be confused with Hodor). Long story short: there was only one thing that could harm Baldr - mistletoe - so the gods were having a laugh and throwing all manner of things at Baldr and watching them bounce off him. Loki saw that Hodr was not participating, and gave him a sharpened mistletoe branch, and guided him on where to throw. The rest is mythological history.

For this week, I've got to turn to the NHL, which is in the midst of an amazing start to the playoffs (minus the random suspensions doled out by Brendan Shanahan). My boi, Claude Giroux, has been an absolute terror thus far, compiling 14 points in only 6 games as he led Team Ginger the Flyers to a 4-2 elimination of the Penguins. Naturally, that got me to wondering:

Which player holds the NHL record for the most points in a single postseason?

• Wayne Gretzky
• Mike Bossy
• Jari Kurri
• Guy Lafleur
• Mario Lemieux

Have a great week!

Logos Gone Loco

Team logos are a part of sports that I've always enjoyed. As a kid, I liked their aesthetic appeal and how they gave a sense of the personality of the team, whether it's the goofy piousness of the San Diego friar, or the creepy Long Island(er) sailor that knew what you did last summer. Now as an adult, my interest in logo design includes a marketing dimension: what kind of brand is a team trying to convey with their logo? With the Toronto Raptors logo, I can only assume that they're endorsing the poor paleontology running rampant in Canadian academia.

Jurassic Park came out almost 20 years ago.

Now, my interest in logos borders on the geeky - today I encountered a cool collection of fan designed logos in which all of the sports logos for a city are mashed together. That really got me thinking: are teams on the same page in terms of how they relate to a city (color scheme, persona, design) or is the city's personality so non-existent that its teams don't match up at all? Click below to see the results.

NHL Midseason Malarkey

Everyone who reads this blog knows I don't stand on ceremony - except for every "major" milestone in page views - but I realized recently that the NHL All-Star game is quickly approaching, and it marks the time of year when TDZ turns 1. It seems only fitting to return to news about the NHL as it inspired post #1 with the All-Star fantasy draft!

GLaDOS sent a cake to celebrate.

This year's captains are Daniel Alfredsson and Zdeno Chara. As the game will be held in Ottawa, Alfie is the hometown guy whose team will surely be cheered on, while the numerous Chara-hating Canadians will boo the poor bastards Zdeno chooses as his teammates (reason for loathing here).

Be sure to tune in to the draft on Thursday, January 26 at 8 pm on the NBC Sports Network. Is that a channel people actually have? I don't know, I don't have TV.

Anyways, to prep you for a magical All-Star weekend, I review the NHL season thus far and give out mid-year awards that you really, truly care about.

Get to Know a Hockey Player: Claude Giroux

Some of my favorite players get the career retrospective treatment here at TDZ, however I'm adding a new category to highlight the top prospects that have caught my discerning eye. Earning the first ever TDZ futurespective and "Get to Know a Hockey Player" segment is Philadelphia Flyers star Claude Giroux.

Full disclosure: I am a big time ginger.

It's time to get learned about this burgeoning superstar that's taking the league by storm.

Totally Radical - The NHL Realigns

After intense negotiation and silver-tongued persuasion that would've made Daniel Webster proud, it took one whole hour for the NHL board of governors to approve a radical realignment resulting in 4 conferences. Click on the image below for a cartographic representation of the new conferences.

 

The impetus for the realignment occurred with the Atlanta Thrashers moving up to Winnipeg last offseason, which resulted in their hilarious inclusion in the Southeast Division this year, so realignment became a must. Click below for more details and the plan's implications.

Vintage Ovie

Alexander Ovechkin has been criticized all year for his lack of scoring, but he turned back the clock for this gem last night against the Sens.

He basically did the hockey version of an ankle breaking cross-over, and the fake slap shot to wrister was also nice. Best of all, it put his team ahead and they went on to win the game.

Quack Quack, Y'all: Boudreau to the Ducks

Remember way back when I said Boudreau would likely get another coaching gig in the NHL rather quickly. Y'know, Monday. Well hand me the award for biggest understatement of the year, because less than 72 hours later, he's the new head coach of the Anaheim Ducks.

I came here to do two things: win games, and swear a ****load. Next question... Yes, my head is a perfect sphere.

He takes over a Ducks squadron that's been grounded for most of the year. Rumors have been swirling that top left winger Bobby Ryan is being dangled as trade bait, hinting at a possible rebuilding phase, however I imagine they're going to give Boudreau a few weeks to see if he can get this team soaring again. It's like he's Gordon Bombay, but old, round, and a mediocre AHL player in his youth.

Bruce Boudreau out, Dale Hunter in for the Capitals

After another blowout loss for the once powerful Washington Capitals, the team fired coach Bruce Boudreau early Monday morning.

To Capitals fans, Boudreau was a highly successful coach who left no swear word unused and once galvanized the team's collection of uber-talented players. To non-hockey fans, he was the guy who reminded them of Hank Hill's dad and made them laugh with his naughty words juxtaposed against cherubic features.

Replacing Boudreau is former Capital Dale Hunter. As a player, he ranks second all-time in penalty minutes, though it should be noted that he was also an accomplished scorer. His work ethic was renown across the NHL, and made him a fan favorite for both of the teams he played for (Quebec and Washington). Perhaps his most well-known "highlight," however, is this nasty check during the 1993 division semifinals which resulted in a then record 21 game suspension.

Hunter will be tasked with unifying a shaky team as Boudreau once did when he joined in 2007. As for "Gabby," he leaves the Capitals as the fastest coach in NHL history to reach 200 wins, and will surely get another job in the near future as the coaching carousel keeps turning.

NHL 2011-2012 Preview - You Care, You Just Don't Know It Yet

Yes, the distant #4 of the Big 4 sports will be back in session shortly, but it's not the red-headed step-child it once was. Though it lost an entire year due to a lockout, the NHL has grown notably since that time, including a $4.6 million increase in the league's salary cap this year in spite of the nation's stagnant economy (an impressive 7.9% increase). TV viewership is also up, and the league is (in my opinion) the most innovative of the Big 4 at this time.

Above: people caring.

What does this mean for you? You care about hockey. Deep inside each of us is someone who enjoys listening to Rush; thinks Trailer Park Boys compares favorably to It's Always Sunny; respects the sophistication and dignity of the mullet; thinks that Don Cherry is the epitome of fashion; recognizes that Mike Ricci is a handsome man; and knows that hockey is an amazing sport.

The Jagr theorem holds that hockey skills are directly proportional to mulletude.

Without further ado, I'll go aboot discussing the top players to watch for in 2011-2012.

Bruins Win!

The Stanley Cup is heading back to Boston after an absence of almost 40 years! I haven't been this happy to see a second-favorite team win since the Atlanta Braves won the World Series in 1995. Truly, this is becoming the golden century of sports in Boston!

My only regret is that I ever doubted Tim Thomas would post a shutout in the deciding game. Oh me of little faith! Brad Marchand ended up being the key to victory too, but what an incredible team effort all around. Congrats to the team and the fans, and a special thanks to Nathan Horton for honorarily spilling a bit of that dirty water before the game. Party on Boylston Street!

I doth declare, Lord Stanley's Cup runneth over!

Tonight is the final game of a thrilling Stanley Cup playoffs. I would argue, however, that this series has been entertainingly predictable: Vancouver wins a tough, hard-fought game at home by 1 goal, Boston blows out Vancouver in Beantown. I can't even imagine how panicked Vancouver fans are right now. Boston has been backed by the best (and, by default, most consistent) goalie in the league, while Roberto Luongo's confidence has to be shattered after 3 embarassing meltdowns on the road. Then again who wouldn't be creeped out by 6'9" Zdeno Chara's bearded visage.

I've seen the other side...

For more keys to victory and prognosticatory plop, click to read more.

Ice Hockey

The Stanley Cup playoffs are in full swing. Pucks flying, overtime-ing, bodies colliding, and Philly goalies bench-riding. Though hockey is a distant fourth in popularity among the Big 4 sports, fans of the game will argue at your face that it's the most thrilling sport to watch, particularly in the playoffs. In consideration of the multitude who haven't come to this realization yet, I give my "Ice Hockey" primer.

For each of the 4 remaining teams in the playoffs, I will pick a goalie, fat guy, medium guy, and skinny guy that match up with the player types in this most delightful of NES games. Sure, Blades of Steel is also amazing, but nothing beats the combination of whimsy and chess-like strategy of "Ice Hockey."

Let's begin!

Only One Ray-Ray

NBA Champion.  All-Star.  Olympian.  Marksman.  Thespian.  Gum-chewer.  Ray Allen has taken on many roles in his career.  Having recently usurped Reggie Miller for the 3 point shooting throne, it's worth taking a longer look at what made Ray-Ray so valuable to all the lucky teams for which he's played.

2,561 and counting

1. Robotic accuracy - watching Ray take a free throw or square up for a jumper is like watching a car being assembled: every movement is precisely measured, evaluated, re-calibrated, (and measured again), until it approaches perfection.  Ray Allen is his own Six Sigma black belt.
2. Durability - Ray is a fitness freak.  The metaphor of his body as a machine would be apt except even machines break down over time.  The way he plays today at age 35 is a way in which even rookies struggle to keep up.  This leads to #3.
3. He plays the most annoying style of offense ever - Constantly running from sideline to sideline, over and under 1, 2, and 3 picks for a 1 second window to catch and shoot the ball from about 24 feet away for 35 minutes a game is insane.  Yeah, good luck trying to do that for a career.  Oh wait - he did.  Now consider trying to defend that!  Defenders have been trying to curse his name for years but they were all out of breath.  Dwyane Wade, one of the NBA's best players and athletes, was completely worn out in his recent matchup with the Celtics, affecting not only his jump shot but perhaps his decision-making as he lashed out at Kevin Garnett for a key flagrant foul.  This is just my hypothesis, but I doubt the normally stoic star has a similar reaction if he isn't gassed and frustrated by the relentless #20.
4. He's unflappable - "Timeout called: Celtics.  20 second timeout."  Ray walks over to the huddle, chews his gum, listens to Doc's play, nods, goes back to work.  Doesn't matter if it's a close game where he needs to nail a trey or an easy victory over the hapless Raptors, he plays the same way no matter what the circumstances.
5. He's a team player - Ray was the main event on some of his earlier teams, but he realized that he occupies a specific role in the Voltron that is the Boston Celtics.  He's the guy who lifts the crowd and his team with a crucial 3.  He's the guy who gets the ball with the clock winding down to seal the game with clutch free throws.  And like fellow marksman Harry Callahan, he's the guy who gets the job done.

---

On to other no less man-crush-related news, star Avalanche forward Peter Forsberg has hung up the skates for good.  For those that don't know Forsberg, he's basically the hockey version of Yao Ming, except much more talented.  The biggest Swedish export since IKEA, Forsberg won at basically every level including two Stanley Cups, two Olympic gold medals, and he was honored in 2003 with the Hart Trophy for NHL MVP.  "Foppa" was maligned by ankle pain that severely stunted his ability to skate as his career progressed.

At his best, he would literally skate circles around an opposing team (video) while looking for the perfect play... and he almost always found that play.  Offensively he had the type of skill that made his style of play seem nonchalant and common-sensical, while defensively he had a knack for completely mauling anyone caught unawares.  Had he been more durable, I truly believe he'd be universally accepted as one of the greatest to ever play the sport, on par perhaps with Jaromir Jagr.

Sports Gone Nerdy

That's right, hang up your jock strap and suit up with your pocket protector and favorite calculator: nerd culture has officially infiltrated pro sports.  The warning signs were there.  Fantasy sports has been a growing industry for years, sabermetricians are now widely respected, and even star athletes like Curt Schilling are addicted to dorky RPGs.

Despite this, pro leagues have largely spurned the advances of their thick-spectacled, meekly-built admirers.  Leagues such as the NFL have butted heads with fantasy sports providers, threatening litigation unless said providers pay licensing fees for player stats and information.

This is despite the strong evidence that fantasy sports actually increases consumption of sports.  Speaking from personal experience, I have never watched so much NFL football as I did this past year.  This crippling addiction was caused by the drug of fantasy sports laced with a heavy dose of NFL RedZone.  When I should have been putting up Christmas decorations, I was stealing away to watch channel 794, hoping to experience the high of seeing Michael Turner's thunder thighs scampering into the end zone for six big points.  By allowing me to see every game, I was able to analyze players and teams to an extent I never could have before.  Finally, I had found the opium to my Sherlock Holmes.  RedZone support groups will pop up in the next few years, just watch for it.  I am....

Returning to the subject of pro league and their number-loving fans, there is now officially one league that has truly embraced the segment with open arms.  Surely this is a league on the cutting edge, with forward-thinking, radical fans, and management made up of brainy academics.  It's... the NHL?!

They say desperate times call for desperate measures, and the NHL lately has never been one to hide its insecurities.  With perennially low TV ratings post-lockout, the league has tried everything to bring back the casual fan.  Now, "everything" includes a bizarre comic book narrative called The Guardian Project that is aimed at attracting young nerdlings.  No one knows exactly what they're guarding, but my guess was that they were guarding the unholy contract Gary Bettman signed to keep his job this long.

Yup, this fabulousness is happening.

Then Bettman and the NHL produced perhaps their greatest innovation in recent memory: an All-Star fantasy draft.  No longer simply a function in NHL 11, hockey fans saw the best players in the world create their own teams, forming never before seen lines and juicy match-ups, all while humiliating final pick Phil Kessel and Maple Leafs fans.  Talk about perfection.  There hasn't been a distribution of talent like this since Agamemnon and Priam recruited heroes for the Trojan War. (Phil Kessel as Protesilaus, anyone? Talk about amazing irony.)

The ratings justify the NHL's efforts, as the game itself saw a 33% increase in viewership over 2009 (2010 was the Winter Olympics).  As all pro leagues try to find ways to make their All-Star games relevant, the NHL for the first time in quite a while is at the forefront of innovation.

And that's what I aim for this blog to be about: looking at sports in an innovative way, identifying opportunities, and celebrating the odd and the absurd.  Finally, before signing off on this inaugural address, let's celebrate the ridiculous lacrosse stylings of Corey Perry from this year's Breakaway Challenge: