When You Had a Bad Draft...

UMassBallers... Burning Questions for 2019

It's crazy to think that the league is entering its 12th year, and while I'd like to think we've seen it all over that time frame, every season seems to have its own set of unique circumstances and new wrinkles.

Here's what I see as the burning questions for the Ballers in 2019:

1. Above all else, just how neat will Neat Team be this year? Will we know on draft day? Or will we have to wait til midseason for peak neatness?

2. Will this fantasy league consume Tribe's attention to an extent that he only watches Red Zone and can avoid the blindness induced from watching Redskins games?

3. Will we have the first 3-time league champion this year? Chicago Ferrets, Nickel Blitz, and smackycat have all won 2 titles, meaning there's roughly a 30% chance that we see this feat accomplished.

4. In 2017, Sweaty Sac set a league record with 133 transactions. Last year, he had a disappointing 99. Will he return to triple-digits... or perhaps set an all-new record in 2019?

5. Will Cash4Gould get the cash he demands every year?

• Answered: Robbie Gould got a 4-year, $19 million contract - just not with the Bears. Also, he's not actually Cash4Gould. (Or is he?)

6. How can smackycat be smacky if he's stuffed into that cardboard tube like a purrito?

7. Will mangenius deploy an auto-draft strategy again after ending up with an absolutely loaded lineup in 2018 that included Melvin Gordon, Christian McCaffrey, Tyreek Hill, Mike Evans, and 3 QB1's (Russell Wilson, Big Ben, and Cam Newton)?

8. Are ferrets just land otters? (Important otter footage)

9. Will anyone be able to out-bid Nickel Blitz when it comes to Tom Brady?

• Plot twist: Nickel Blitz has drafted Tom Brady each of the past 3 years. The last time he didn't draft Tom Brady was the last time he won a championship.

10. What are the odds that Adam's Expert Team gets asked by my young nephew what a Sweaty Sac is?

11. Will Doge Flutie repeat?

12. Is there a word for a rhetorical question where the answer is not "yes," but rather a very obvious "no"?

2018 UMassBallers Season Revue: Doged Determination

This is truly a special time of year. A season of hope. A season of good cheer. A season of miracles. And the greatest miracle of all? Doge Flutie has finally won the UMassBallers!!!

The league has existed for 11 seasons, 10 of which I have participated in. It wasn't til my 9th season that I even placed in the top 3, and in #10 I finally reached the summit! You have witnessed a fantasy football fanatic finally reach peak performance luck!

Houston, we have touchdown.

This year was unique for a variety of reasons: only 8 teams in the league, but also more roster spots (including 2 QBs), and it was winner-takes-all. Does this mean, after a decade of contributing to other GM's checking accounts that I finally managed to break even? Let's do the math:

• 2009-2013: $20 per season ($100 total)
• 2014-2018: $100 per season ($500 total)
• 2018 winnings: $800
• Net result: +$200

It's like Frank Drebin said in The Naked Gun: "Well, well, it looks like the cows have come home to roost." All that futility managed to amount to something!

There were many other interesting events and storylines from the fantasy season though, so let's revel in all of the moments that made the 2018 UMassBallers season weird special. Click below to take a look at all the hindsight analysis of the draft, recaps of game-changing transactions, and other rando happenings in TDZ's annual UMassBallers season synopsis!

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 14

I've got an important update from Mars: InSight rocks and it's registering sounds from the red planet.

My favorite part from NASA's update: the word Marsquakes. This changes everything....

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 13

Don't have much time to write a post this week, so here's a grab-bag of naming conventions based on player positions. They're not all winners, but rarely is the RFO.

QB: Mace Keenum - Throwin' them purple lightsaber darts.
QB: Marcus Mariyoda - Disappoint me he will.
WR: Spike Williams - C'mon Spike! Untie these knots. Spike? SPIKE!
WR: Captain Kirk - There's... someone on the wing. Some... THING!
RB: Jalen Richarlemagne - He was the last dude standing in Europe, and he'll be the last dude standing in Oakland's offense.
RB: Francis I Gore - He reigned for 21 years, or roughly 1/10th the duration of Gore's NFL career.
TE: Hangin' with Mr. Hooper - Football = TGIS TV.
W/T: Matt Who's La Boss? - I don't know, I never watched it.
W/R: Dr. Quinn Enunwa - Don't mind me, Mr. Quinn! I'm just a curious little rhino.
W/R: Carlos V Hyde - "Iron hand in a velvet glove." More like sluggish lad in a round body.
K: Stephen Hawking - "My goal is simple. It is a complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is, and why the kicker position exists in fantasy football."
DEF: Buffalo Bill Nye - The football guy.

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 12

Happy Dogegiving!

QB: Drumstick Mullens - A generous helping of TB D will fill the stat sheet.
QB: Nosh Allen - The Bills are back, baby.
WR: Pecan Brown - He'll be the recipient of 30 of 100 Ravens passing yards.
WR: Corn on the Cobb - I'm only picking him because it's Thanksgiving.
RB: De(-on) Lewcious - Sweaty Sac castoff will suddenly be a fantasy beast!
RB: Frank Corn - He's literally #4 on the all-time rushing list.
TE: Toothpick Vannett - Carolina randomly gives up the most TE points.
W/T: Dish Herndon - Pats to suffer from Hern burns.
W/R: Cape Codwin - So many Bucs passing yards to go around.
W/R: DeVante Pumpkin - Him or Kenny Chills is gonna go off... probably Chills.
K: Cake Elliott - Eagles are so mediocre, and I'm lovin' it.
DEF: Washington Turkeyskins - Scored 9 or more points in 5 of their last 6.

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 11

Evidently an oddly shaped interstellar asteroid flew threw our solar system recently, called 'Oumuamua. It's 6x longer than it is wide, making it unlike any asteroid in our solar system (and it may actually be a comet).

What's most fascinating to me is that the object apparently displays "nongravitational acceleration." The prevailing notion is this is the cause of "outgassing" - a process whereby solar heat warms frozen gasses on the surface to provide a form of propulsion. This is not to be confused with the better known form of outgassing, which is when a person is running and gets extra propulsion from their own farts.

The alternate explanation is that this object is actually an alien probe sent from another star system to gather data on ours. This hypothesis is basically Star Trek IV but with a much less cranky probe - which is pretty sweet.

Whatever the case may be: we need to save the whales (especially humpbacks).

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 10

I'm traveling for a wedding so an extra lazy RFO for this week.

QB: Pick Mullens - Let's see if last week's performance was for real; New Spork's D is totes bad.
QB: Josh Chosen - Gonna need to pass 100 times to keep up with the Beefs.
WR: Psych Williams - He'll have his one catch for a touchdown, and that's good enough for me.
WR: John Floss - Maybe this will be the one game where he justifies his draft position.
RB: Giovani Spurnard - Bengals will be playing from behind all day long.
RB: Lost In Ekeler - He randomly explodes from time to time.
TE: Benjamin Squatson - Bengals are giving up lost of points to TEs.
W/T: Jared Shook - Someone's gonna need to catch passes in Croakland.
W/R: Terrelle Friar - This is my super duper deep sleeper, hoping he replaces Sharkley at QB!
W/R: King Dedede Westbrook - Chortles is back from the bye and ready to lose his job.
K: Jason Squires - Jets offense is pretty bad - nothing but FGs.
DEF: Indianapolis Molts - Because Chortles.

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 9

Wow, my dogers. Just wow. Another improbable victory for the RFO as I edged Cash4Gould, bringing my season record up to a robust 2-6. I'm in Chicago Ferrets territory now!

I know there's a big election coming up Tuesday (Vote.), but I need to bring your attention to startling international news: a Russian kid claims he lived on Mars and was reborn on Earth... and for some reason, there are people who aren't outright dismissing him. (Link 1 and 2)

"My parents enable me." - This kid, probably.

His parents think he's real special. He could talk, write, draw at early ages (probably just gibberish).
At 7, he first concocted a story that he lived on Mars a long time ago, and that they had incredible technology and wiped each other out in a nuclear war. Evidently he visited Earth before they all died, and Martians have ties to ancient Egyptian culture. Furthermore, there's a way to "open" the Sphinx if you locate something by its ear.

Evidently this kid is in his early 20's now, but I can't find any recent information about him. My hunch is that he is an "entrepreneur" with a now ironic mullet in Brooklyn.

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 8

Halloween is just around the corner, and rather than do a write-up (because I'm lazy), I'm just going to allow you to gaze upon this incredible pumpkin carving of Thanos from Avengers.

Credit to Redditor DoggieDoc3.

The detail is seriously exquisite. Can you imagine the precision to get the shading just right without accidentally puncturing the pumpkin too much? Totes awesome. Here's a time-lapse video of it, too.

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 7

They (I) said it couldn't be done... the RFO is on a one week winning streak!

It's Fall now, and it's a great time for Fall foliage. I recently learned that the largest organism in the world is actually an interconnected set of trees (tree?) called Pando that also creates beautiful fall foliage. Here's a picture below:

You can get more large organism fun here.

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 6

The RFO took a bye for Week 5, and it wouldn't matter anyways - I'm not even close to beating any teams this year with the new roster format. In Week 4, not even one player scored a TD, and that includes passing touchdowns!

Nevertheless, the beat goes on, and this week I'm going to try to offer positive reinforcement to the squad:

QB: Glam Darnold - Discovered his deep ball last week and now playing the pedestrian Colts.
QB: Derek Star - He still has more INTs than TDs....
WR: Amari Super - He's excited to disappoint the RFO for the first time in his mistake-prone career.
WR: Best-er Rogers - 11 targets each of the past 2 weeks.
RB: Peyton Marvel - When you average 3 ypc, the key is absurdly high, unwarranted volume. Dirk Koetter knows this....
RB: Duke Johnson Swoonior - Catches on catches on catches.
TE: C.J. You-so-mazing - He averages 1 TD per year. He already has 1 TD this year....
W/T: Taylor Baberiel - A solid weapon for Mitch "Don't call me Mitch" Trubisky.
W/R: Marquez Valdes-Brilliantling - Or maybe he'll pull an Exxon Valdez on this team.
W/R: Michael Fabtree - He tends to get a lot of undeserved red zone looks.
K: Sebastian Janiwowski - This former 1st round pick (!) managed to become a league-average kicker. Wow.
DEF: Baltimore Rave-ns - Tennessee is averaging only 17.4 points per game (4th worst).

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 4

I'm traveling for a wedding so unfortunately a lot less time and effort for this post. Take what you can get, lol.

Some stylish and colorful selections for this week:

QB: Cyan Flannelhill - Pats love giving up 300 yards and multiple TD's to middling QBs.
QB: Case Greenum - KC's defense has been bailed out by its offense every week. It's bad.
WR: Taywan Tailor - Richartreuse Matthews and his 50% of snaps are gone.
WR: Rachartreuse Higgins - Because BAKER.
RB: Alfred Blue - Not even liking this pick aside from his last name.
RB: Wendyellow Smallwood - Should get some touches with injuries in the Eagles backfield.
TE: Hugo Boss-tin Hooper - Cincy might overly focus on Jones and Ridley.
W/T: Ricky Teals-(Herring)bones - Every week I pick this foo; hoping Osh Kosh b'Josh Rosen helps him.
W/R: Kelvin Benetton - Bills have got some swag for once.
W/R: Brandon Marshalls - Gotta get those discount clothes.
K: Robbie Gouldenrod - Only field goals from now on with Jimmy Choo on IR.
DEF: New Orleans Paints - They're so bad, but so it Eli.

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 3

Earlier this week, I posed the question to myself of what Simpsons characters best reflect the teams in our league. Why? It's best not to trouble one's head pondering the inanity that consumes my own.

I have a sweet jigsaw puzzle of this exact image.

Of course, I brought that mental exercise to its natural conclusion in the following blog post. Here are my takes:

• Sweaty Sac: Moe Szyslak
• Sure, he'll act like he's willing to trade you that jar of pickled eggs... but you're never gonna get that jar of pickled eggs.
• Nickel Blitz: Lenny Leonard
• Likes a mug of Duff, not quite sure how he works at the nuclear factory finishes in the top 3 so often, and wears a green shirt often (Celts).
• Chicago Ferrets: Carl Carlson
• His IQ is 214 (real stat on Wiki), he's got some Scandinavian heritage, and has a rare air of competence not ordinarily seen in Springfield.
• Neat Team: Groundskeeper Willie
• His team is a collection of untamed personalities (OBJ, AB, Marshawn); has got foreign roots and an accent.
• mangenius: Nelson Muntz
• Enjoys nothing more than a fantasy beatdown, and his QBs (Cam, Big Ben) are bruising bastards.
• smackycat: Ned Flanders
• That friendly but annoying neighbor who always does well, placing in 3 of the last 4 years. Stupid league-winning Flanders!
• Cash4Gould: Principal Skinner
• A good citizen of the league, and picking Le'Veon and Dez was the most "steamed hams" moment in league history.
• Doge Flutie: Krusty the Clown
• Amusement to cover up a lifetime of poor roster management and lack of league success.

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 2

There's a storm coming... and it's definitely not the RFO based on last week's performance.

Hope none of you live in the Carolinas. I'm in DC so the bigger issue will be flooding. #soggydoge

2018 Roster Freak Out - Week 1

Like in past years: imagine you didn't show up for the fantasy draft, and auto-draft wasn't even working, leaving you with a completely empty roster to start the year. Who would you pick up to play each week?

Derp.

That's the premise of my weekly Roster Freak Out series, which I totally forgot to do yesterday, so now I'm stuck picking only players who are unowned for the Sunday and Monday nights games. If my team of rejects outscores any of the UMassBallers, I score that as a W. If not, it's a L.

We'll have to find out whether an 8-team league improves or worsens the RFO. My guess is this year will be nearly impossible since there are so many more roster slots to fill. But the RFO is nothing if not intrepid - let's roll...

Confused but Amused - Recapping the 2018 UMassBallers Draft

This year's draft had a variety of firsts:

• First time drafting with 8 teams
• First time drafting with 2 QB slots to fill
• First time with 20 total roster spots to fill (previously 16)
• First time Doge Flutie spent the most money on a player ($60 for Todd Gurley II)

I'm still at a loss as to what the appropriate draft strategy should have been, but I'm pretty sure spending over half my money on just 10% of my player slots was NOT the answer.

Seemed like a good idea at the time...

That being said, a doge's enthusiasm never wavers, which is why I mustered the wherewithal to push work aside and focus on what matters, which is a fast-react recap of the draft. Read on to see who my "gold grabs" and "pyrite picks" were.

2018 Fantasy Football Is On! - All Doge Team

It's official - fantasy football is a thing that is happening. The UMassBallers league, minus several Minutemen over the years, is totes real and something that will occur this very Fall. Against all odds, there is - alas - a league!

Our league.

In celebration that our fantasy football league is still not dead yet, I got irrationally excited at the prospect of sharing more doge memes and have compiled my All-Doge team. I challenge any meme-themed team to go toe-to-toe against this "wow" lineup.

QB: Pom Brady
WR: Doge Baldwin
RB: Doge Martin
TE: Jordan Breed
W/T:  German Shepard
W/R: Giovani St. Bernard
K: Adam Vinaterrier
DEF: Philadelphia Beagles
Head Coach: Doge Pederson

Needless to say, hands off these players in the draft Wednesday... and good luck this season!

2017 UMassBallers Season Revue - Fur a Meowment Like This

Well, it was a rough year in football with lots of injuries, political drama, and replay controversy, but above all, it was technically a season of pro football. And with that season, the UMassBallers played a virtual game of points based on player statistics where, each week, the team with more points versus its competitor would be credited with a win, until finally, in Week 16, we would have a champion. The name of that champion? Smackycat!

Smackycat was one of two elite teams in UMassBallers this year along with Bear Down, who scored well above 100 points per week, but in the end, smackycat brought home the trophy with a better performance in Week 16. The only other team that scored a decent amount of points was the defending champion Chicago Ferrets, but let's be real, they used up all their good luck last year.

Our feline overlord wasn't the only interesting storyline from the fantasy season though - click below to take a look at all the hindsight analysis of the draft, recaps of game-changing transactions, and other rando happenings in TDZ's annual UMassBallers season synopsis!

2017 Roster Freak Out - Week 14 (Playoffs Rd 1)

The RFO is certainly stumbling into the playoffs and team confidence is at an all-time low. After a sub-50pt performance in Week 13, the team needs to make some drastic changes.

Wondering where all the good selections have gone...

Since this is a playoff week, my task becomes even more daunting - I have to outscore one of the 4 playoff teams playing this week to move on to Round 2. Considering I've never gotten past Round 1, my odds of success are about 1 in 1,000,000,000,000,000.

via GIPHY