UMassBallers Season Finale

No RFO this week, gentlemen, I just hope you all have happy holidays and enjoy the last week of the fantasy season.  Best of luck to Farts Are Funny and Nickel Blitz in the championship.

Merry Dogemas

2015 Roster Freak Out - Week 15

The regular season has gone in a flash, and four lucky GMs have emerged in the playoffs. Only something doesn't smell right here...

Let's see, we've got 2011-2012 champ Farts Are Funny, 2013 victor Nickel Blitz, and 2014 winner West/Knile Virus all in the playoffs. Wow, the rich just keep getting richer in this league!

They're just swimming in their vault of gold!

Oh, wait a second - who dat fourth team? I don't believe my own eyes, it's the one and only perennial ne'er-do-well Doge Flutie! That's me!!

Now in my 7th season in the UMassBallers league, I'm hoping to improve on my best-ever performance of $0 when I got 4th place way back in 2009. It's been a long time since then, and after half a dozen terrible drafts and literally hundreds of transactions, I have finally achieved a winning record again!

How did I do it? It's all thanks to the power of DOGE! Its sideways glance is a constant source of amusement for me and vexation for others. Its face is the Mona Lisa of whimsy. I do not know why it exists, but I do know that it turned my fortunes around. It certainly was not due to any amount of fantasy football know-how.

Take your best shot Nickel Blitz!

I think it's clear who all the other GMs should bandwagon: LET'S GO DOGE ("dogue")! LET'S GO DOGE ("dogue")!

2015 Roster Freak Out - Week 14

I saw a news story in my Facebook feed today regarding the possibility of another planet in the far reaches of our solar system that got my imagination going. It's intriguing to think about a mysterious planet out there, just lurking in the dark and being creepy.

It's just been watching us silently for millions of years, what a creeper.

For years, astronomers have been searching for a Planet X. Planet X is not just a fun level in Timesplitters 2, but rather a new planet on the far reaches of our solar system. So far, they have found a variety of TNO's (Trans-Neptunian Objects, not Thursday Night Out), so many of which were similar to Pluto that it made sense to demote Pluto from planetary status rather than have school kids try to memorize a bunch of new planets. This new planet, however, is allegedly between Earth and Neptune in size.

As with most stories that pop up in social media, the "news item" is mostly clickbait, and a healthy dose of skepticism goes a long way. Reaction from university astronomers in the Scientific American suggest that the findings are likely rubbish, so let's wait and see what further research finds.

I guess this post is just a public service announcement to say that social media can be fun for stirring the imagination, but don't put much stock in anything you read there. If you need anything else, I'll be listening to the Time Splitters 2 soundtrack.

2015 Roster Freak Out - Week 13

Have you guys ever read articles about these ghost towns in the U.S. that have zero residents and are up for sale for the cost of a house? I've got to admit, they have a certain allure - the idea of owning a whole town sounds pretty awesome, even if no one else lives there.

There are quite a few available, such as Johnsonville, CT; Swett, SD; or my favorite name of all: Dead Mule Canyon, CO. But this morning I was just going through the mental exercise of what it would actually be like to buy one of these ghost towns.

An ominous, hollowed-out church - it's the bleak town backdrop you never knew you wanted!

For starters, let's think about utilities.

• Hopefully the town has a well and septic system still in place - if not, your town might get renamed to Poopsville. 
• I'm not exactly seeing a lot of power lines in any of these places, but this does offer the opportunity to be fully off the power grid. The only downside is needing to buy a bunch of solar panels and/or windmills (assuming your town gets a decent breeze), which would probably get pricey, so factor that in before buying.
• For heating - if you get oil or natural gas delivered to your town, it's probably not that huge of a hassle, relative to the water and power issues.

Next, let's consider services that connect you with the rest of civilization. If these aren't important to you, then it's not a big deal, but I unfortunately have an addiction to TV and fantasy sports, so I'm gonna need internet. 

It sounds like the only option for internet in a remote location via satellite, which evidently isn't that expensive. Granted, I've never really tried satellite internet, but this almost turned into a reason for moving the boonies. Just make sure your ghost town has clear skies most of the year. I couldn't imagine the frustration of not being able to tinker with my lineup on Sundays due to cloud cover.

Aside from all this stuff, you've just got to be concerned about basic services, like how far to the nearest grocery store (I doubt your ghost town land is capable of yielding crops). Lastly, make sure your town has well-paved roads, that you don't have a roaming pack of coyotes threatening your every move outdoors, and understand that literal ghosts will haunt your every waking and restless sleeping hour.

You are now ready to own your very own ghost town!

This is our land, meat.

2015 Roster Freak Out - Week 12

This week's column is all about clearing up some confusion about the origin of the name Doge Flutie and the pronunciation of the word "Doge."

The original image that started a pointless internet fad.

First off, what even is a Doge? It's nothing more than a silly internet meme that took on a life of its own, of which Doge Flutie was the natural fantasy football pinnacle. It basically involves using the original or a manipulated version of this Shiba Inu dog(e), with a sideways glance and raised eyebrows, and then overlaying that image with short, often misspelled, phrases or individual words representing an internal monologue, always in Comic Sans font. The word "wow" is always included.

For the full history, I recommend you give this a read, but I'm going to warn you in advance, the full history is so mind-numbingly inane that I cannot believe people have the time of day to make memes like this a thing.

As far as how to pronounce "doge," there are two factions. It appears that most pronounce it "dohj" with a long o, and there does appear to be more of a historical basis for that, especially in the aforementioned article. However, "dogue" is also a viable pronunciation, as shown in the Wikipedia page for the meme. Personally, I love to use the latter - you wouldn't call someone your "dohj," but you could totally call someone your "dogue!"

As far as the numbers go, a Slate poll has "dohj" slightly ahead, but I believe "dogue" will one day overcome!

2015 Roster Freak Out - Week 11

I'm back in my home state of New Hampshire and it feels great. The air is clean, the roads are clear, and everyone greets their fellow citizen with a hearty "Live free or die!" followed by a loud chortle of delight at not having a state income or sales tax.

R.I.P.

Indeed it is a wonderful place, and I'm going to fill you in on the Granite State with 9 neat trivia factoids that will leave non-New Hampshirites seething with jealousy.

1. Why did I land on 9 factoids? Because it's the 9th state to ratify the Constitution. However, it was actually the first state to declare independence from England 6 months before the rest of the colonies signed a mutual declaration, so Delaware should really just get over itself.
2. The first potato ever planted in the U.S. happened at Londonderry Common Field in 1719. In my home town. You're welcome, Idaho.
3. The first free public library in the United States was established in Peterborough, NH. Oh, these citizens do love being learned!
4. The first American to ever travel to space, Alan B. Shepard, was from East Derry, NH. First this, first that, so pioneering!
5. The fastest wind speed ever recorded at ground level occurred at Mt. Washington with winds three times as fast as those in most hurricanes. Step your game up, Florida!
6. The saying "Live free or die" was uttered by General John Stark, a true Cincinnatus and Revolutionary badass. Many people have heard the saying, but they don't know how it ends: "Live free or die: death is not the worst of evils."
7. America's Stonehenge, a site of 4,000 year old megalithic ruins, is located in Salem, NH, and is likely the oldest man-made construction in the United States.
8. No other state has played host to the formal conclusion of a foreign war. In 1905, Russian and Japanese leaders descended upon Portsmouth, NH, to declare an end to their war. Why? To enjoy our coastline, of course - the shortest in the nation!
9. Franklin Pierce is the only New Hampshirite to become President, and he may have been the worst. He had no spine to tackle the issue of slavery in pushing for the Kansas-Nebraska Act, which basically repealed the Missouri Compromise and made a bigger mess of things. He also passed the Fugitive Slave Act of 1850, which shamefully pandered to southern states. In what could have been a cool move, he tried to annex Cuba, but of course he failed. When it came time for re-election, his party was like "thanks, but no thanks" and he became a one-term President. He drank a lot and died of cirrhosis of the liver.

So what does all this mean? New Hampshire rocks, but don't be worthless Franklin Pierce.

2015 MLB Rookie Class - Greatest in the Past Century

As I mentioned in my Nephews of Jody Reed season revue, 2015 saw the emergence of a long list of rookie standouts: Kris Bryant, Carlos Correa, Francisco Lindor, Miguel Sano, Maikel Franco, Kyle Schwarber, Matt Duffy, Jung-Ho Kang; I could go on. Even with the Red Sox underwhelming, it's an exciting time to be a baseball fan.

Just how good was this rookie class? According to this excellent FanGraphs article, they were historically good - the best rookie class in a century.

To interpret this data another way: a changing of the guard took place in 2015, and we are likely seeing the start of a new era in baseball. Built upon the foundation of an incredible rookie class, we could be entering a golden age in the game. I can't wait to see it unfold.

2015 Roster Freak Out - Week 10

It's tough to write any kind of a column this week without first acknowledging yesterday's events in Paris. I'm not particularly well-equipped to handle this news, either emotionally or as a pseudo-journalist. If you're looking for an article about the starting 9 for an all-fat baseball team, I'm your guy. If you want a nuanced analysis of the current state of the Middle East, I'll just let others handle that.

All I can say is that the people of France, Paris, and the families of those affected by these cowardly attacks have my sympathy. I hope that those responsible for addressing this situation join in solidarity and restore peace, not just to Europe, but to those lands ravaged by the scourge of extremism.

In times like these, I like to remind myself that there are still good things that happen in the world. They don't often get reported in the media, but once in a while they do, and this particular item put a smile on my face. For your viewing pleasure, here is a Guinness World Record-setting bulldog from Peru...

2015 Roster Freak Out - Week 9

Y'know, a lot of people like food. It's pretty important to this whole "life" thing. Nowadays, people are so into food that they consider themselves to be "Foodies," and dining has evolved a lot even in just the last decade to keep up with the demand for new, interesting, and delicious culinary experiences.

That flavored air will be $18, sir.

I can say with certainty that this evolution has reached its logical conclusion. A restaurant has opened in Tokyo that represents the final frontier in dining: they have created food that intentionally tastes like poop.

Curry Shop Shimizu opened in August of this year. According to its own market research, 85% of young adults have no interest in going to a restaurant for plop-flavored food, but the owners decided to ignore the research and go for it anyway!

According to the article, the restaurant tries its best to mimic the "texture and flavor of feces." How do they know they've achieved the right taste? Well, let's just say that the founder has eaten poop many times as part of another profession. As for the consistency, well, I don't think that loose of a stool is normal.... To cap it all off, the dish is served in what appears to be a bedpan.

How are the results so far? Well, in their first month they had 300 visitors, which I would assume equates to about 10 orders per night, so I imagine they really need the press to keep the enterprise going.

You're welcome, Curry Shop Shimizu.

2015 Roster Freak Out - Week 8

The World Series is underway and we've already had an epic 14-inning Game 1 to start it off. MLB's finale features an interesting match-up of power pitching (Mets) against contact hitting (Royals). No team in baseball threw more pitches 95+ mph than the Mets (Royals are #2), but the Royals have been one of the historically best contact hitting teams of all-time. I'm looking forward to a tightly contested championship.

One of the Mets flamethrowers, Jacob deGrom, is slated to start tonight, and you're going to want to tune in. Not just because he's one of the best pitchers in the game, but because he has stated that he will cut his hair after the World Series is over, and this may be the last time you get to see him looking like a Spaldawg doppelgänger.

That's right, the Spaldawg of MLB is going to cut his mane and look a lot different at spring training next year, but I'm hoping he'll grow it out over each season and just get an annual haircut like our honorable commish.

2015 NoJR Season Revue: Believe in Reavers

The 2015 Nephews of Jody Reed season has come to a close, and it was a record-setting year by many measures. But one team got hot at the right time and took home the prize - those gorram Reavers!

The non-virtual season featured the rise of many new stars, some of the best pitching seasons of all-time, the official arrival of Bryce Harper, and some surprising new playoff contenders, all of which shaped 2015 into a fantastic year of baseball.

As always, TDZ's got your season-ending synopsis for all the storylines of the season.

2015 Roster Freak Out - Week 7

After several debates, the election race for 2016 is well underway here in the U.S., but did you know that the Canadian elections have already come and gone for this year? Yep, their campaign season lasted a grueling 78 days. It's not 600 days like in the U.S., but it's pretty good for Canada.

Despite the shortened campaigning window, Canada actually rivals the U.S. in terms of having suspect politicians running for office. From candidates who visit Auschwitz and still don't know the significance of the site to candidates who are appliance repairmen and pee in coffee mugs at clients' homes.

In a shameful act of lazy journalism, I'll let John Oliver breakdown the Canadian election season.

"Oh, Canada!"? More like "Oh, Canada...." You so silly.

The result ended up being a win for the Liberal party and Justin Trudeau, who really knows how to throw himself down a flight of stairs to get the ladies.  It also means a loss for conservative leader and Islamophobe-in-chief Stephen Harper.

After all the election hullaballoo, I think I can speak for all Canadians when I say it's time to kick back, relax, crack open a Molson, eat some pepperoni, and watch some hockey. And of course, enjoy the most cherished Canadian past-time of all: reminiscing about the greatest CFL player of all time: Doge Flutie.

2015 Roster Freak Out - Week 6

Big news for light beer swilling football fans: Bud Light and Miller Lite are going to be unified under one uber-conglomerate. Per CNN, the deal was struck at $104 billion.

This is really irking me - one company, but both "Lite" and "Light": which one is right/rite?

In this age of craft brews, artisanal booze, and hipster bar schmooze, I categorize this merger as lose-lose. Big beer companies have been gradually losing share, at least in the U.S., to micro-breweries, and the way these companies create the appearance of growth to their shareholders is through acquisitions. Evidently SABMiller has strong profits in Africa, a location where AB Inbev was weak.

What does this mean for lazy NFL fans who want to drink light beer all day? Well, the less competition there is in an industry, the worse the product is going to get. It's hard to believe that light beer can get much lighter, but I've been wrong before. Rumor has it that AB Inbev is also mulling acquiring Coca-Cola. Finally, we can have Bud Light Dasani on store shelves soon.

2015 Roster Freak Out - Week 5

The RFO is really heating up now with back-to-back wins and its best performance yet in 2015 thanks to Allen Ferns, Moby Fleener, and the Settlers of Catanzaro! Bear Down, Farts Are Funny, Wheres McKelvey, and Nickel Blitz all got beat by the reject squad.

Speaking of reject squads, I read an interesting article (via National Football Post) about how Miami Dolphins QB Ryan Tannehill treats his practice squad. Evidently he turned the ball over a couple times in practice, and then erupted at the practice squad defenders, saying "Enjoy your practice squad paycheck, enjoy your practice squad trophy." The report goes on to say that this kind of tension has been there for weeks.

First off, it's pretty sad that the alleged franchise QB turns the ball over so often in practice that he can't emotionally contain himself, but that's not all. It got so bad that ex-Dolphins Head Coach Joe Philbin told the practice squad to take it easy on Tannehill and not shake his confidence further.

What a hilarious comparison.

Former WR Donte Stallworth chimed in on the story, contrasting Tannehill's behavior with Tom Brady's treatment of the Patriots practice squad, stating that Brady would actually pay practice squad players who intercepted him.

This is back-to-back weeks where other NFL teams are just completely out-classing the Miami Dolphins, one of which was the New York Jets. Who's next, the Cleveland Browns?

2015 Roster Freak Out - Week 4

The third time was the charm as the RFO picked up a win last weekend. As I'm finishing this post, I'm realizing that we've got morning football thanks to the game in London. The Wembley series started in 2007 and was part of a 15-year goal to annually host games there and at the end of that period establish a team in London. It's an interesting story about the future of the league and the logistics of having a team on another continent, but I'm more interested in talking about the here and now.

The New York Jets are already dealing with their own logistical challenge with playing in London. No, I'm not talking about jet lag - I'm talking about poop. The BBC reported that the team brought 350 American-made toilet rolls with them to handle the challenges of defecation in the U.K.

Chris Ivory pensively ponders the possibility of using thin British TP.

I don't blame the Jets for taking every precaution. If NFL players represent the brawniest badasses of the USA, then you can be sure they're not going to have dainty European poops. They're going to test the structural integrity of Britain's plumbing infrastructure with massive American poops, and the last thing they need when they're on a one-way train to downtown brown town is flimsy British TP to handle the aftermath.

I just feel bad for the Dolphins, languishing with thin tissues that couldn't hope to handle turds from the likes of Ndamukong Suh, and the results speak for themselves as it looks like they'll lose in the scoreline, and in the locker room b-room.

2015 Roster Freak Out - Week 3

Unfortunately I don't have much time to think up and compose an interesting article this week since I've got family visiting, but I've still got to cobble together another squad of rejects and I don't take that obligation lightly. Hopefully I can finally find the win column, but at present the RFO is stumbling about as blind as a newborn panda.

2015 Roster Freak Out - Week 2

I don't know if any of you watch a TV show about a group of ne'er-do-well fantasy football fanatics called "The League," but a news item (courtesy of the New York Times) came out that one of its stars, Steve Rannazzisi, lied about escaping the World Trade Center on 9/11.

It's a bizarre story that captivated, let's say, a few dozen people. His story was that, while working for Merrill Lynch on the 54th floor of the south tower, he was "jostled all over the place" when the north tower got hit, and he managed to get out of the south tower just before it was struck and got away to safety. The experience made him decide that life was too precious to waste opportunities, so he left his desk job and moved to LA with his girlfriend (now wife) to pursue a career in comedy.

Was your love of Buffalo Wild Wings also a lie??

Quite the inspirational tale, aside from it being horse plop. The fact is he was in mid-town Manhattan and never worked for Merrill Lynch. He would often use the story in interviews and speak elaborately about his experience and even having a recurring dreams where he's falling from the tower. Since 2001, his fame has steadily grown, from a random nobody in New York to now being an actor that plays a character who's the worst GM in an 8-team fantasy football league.

I, for one, am incensed about this terrible lie. Some of us have worked our tails off to be the world-famous worst GMs in our respective fantasy leagues, and I didn't concoct an elaborate scheme to get there. It came down to the blood, sweat, and mostly tears of terrible drafting, alienating my fellow GMs with crazy trade offers, and spastic waiver wire bids. You should be ashamed of yourself, Steve Rannazzizzissizisi!

The 2015 UMassBallers Season Preview

The NFL season is underway, and I couldn't be happier after an off-season of paranoia as to why the Patriots win so much, and I dearly hope that we can finally move on from Deflate-gate, Headset-gate, Spy-gate Part Deux, and all the other gates to actually enjoy some football. Knowing ESPN's dearth of journalistic integrity, though, my expectations are low indeed.

I assume they'll issue that retraction about a decade from now like they did for Spy-gate.

At least UMassBallers have something good to look forward to every season. Something reassuring. Something pure. I'm talking about that joy that comes with guaranteed triumph over Serious Cat/Doge Flutie, season after season. You're welcome, everyone.

Despite my annual futility, it doesn't stop me from being an opinionated, blustering blowhard who thinks he knows football. Hey, I guess that qualifies me for a job at ESPN.

2015 Roster Freak Out - Week 1

Oh crap, I'm in 10th grade and it's chemistry class and there's a wicked hard exam I didn't know about and, oh crap, why am I at school in just my underwear?

Oh man, and I forgot how to use the Bunsen burner...

This is the recurring nightmare that is the premise of the Roster Freak Out. More accurately, I pretend that I've got a fantasy team where I never drafted anyone, and I've got to find random blokes in free agency in a frenzied effort to field a competitive team.

For every week I score higher than one of the UMassBaller teams, I score that a win. When I can't beat anyone, it's a loss. Pretty simple, right?

I will not hesitate to toot my own horn and mention that I went 11-3 last year before falling in the playoffs. For all those posts of past glory, click here.

And without further ado, here are the first picks of 2015.

Get to Know a Nephew - Run All Night

Welcome to the NoJR's inaugural installment of the "Get to Know a Nephew" series!

Our very first Nephew is Run All Night. Throughout the years, his team has gone by many names, most of them related to Liam Neeson blockbusters:

• 2011: Falmouth Falcons
• 2012: The Night's Watch
• 2013: SilverLiningsPlybk
• 2014: Non-Stop
• 2015: Run All Night

While the team names may have changed throughout the seasons, his winning percentage has consistently been among the top teams of NoJR, including a league record of .633 in 2013.

Without further ado, my interview with RAN...

Bruce Chen - A TDZ Career Retrospective

A day I hoped would never come finally has - the greatest Chinese-Panamanian baseball player in MLB history has retired today.

After 17 years in the bigs, Bruce Chen ends his playing career with a winning record (82-81), over 1,000 strikeouts (1,140), 1 shutout, and so many laughs, memories and friends from the 11 teams for which he played:

• Atlanta Braves (1998-2000)
• Philadelphia Phillies (2000-2001)
• New York Mets (2001-2002)
• Cincinnati Reds (2002)
• Montreal Expos (2002)
• Boston Red Sox (2003)
• Houston Astros (2003)
• Baltimore Orioles (2004-2006)
• Texas Rangers (2007)
• Kansas City Royals (2009-2014)
• Cleveland Indians (2015)

In honor of his impressive staying power in the bigs, TDZ has created the Bruce Chen All-Stars Sporcle quiz so that future generations will remember the man who played with some of the game's greats.

A proud Panamanian, Chen also pitched for Panama in the World Baseball Classic in 2006 and 2009.

During the offseason, Chen studied civil engineering at Georgia Tech (according to Wikipedia), which will perhaps lead to his next career if he decides to forego a coaching role.

The Danger Zone applauds Bruce on his career in Major League Baseball and wish him luck in his future endeavors. 

Messi vs. Boateng

My favorite video from the play...

Fast Reacts from Draft Day - 2015 NoJR: Another Year Older, Another Year (None the) Wiser

The Nephews of Jody Reed assembled Sunday night for its annual draft day extravaganza, and it was a fun show! For starters, the league finally has a keeper system in place, meaning that...

1. Every team can count on at least a few draft picks not being terrible buys, and...
2. The draft only took 3 hours instead of 3 and a half

The keeper system certainly introduced a new dynamic to draft day as I witnessed a number of players going well above projected value. It seems that the extra cash emboldened many GMs to target very specific players for their roster, and they were willing to pay extra and show those guys the money. 

Change Rod Tidwell to Matt Harvey and you get the gist of our draft.

However, perhaps our targets were a bit modest, given that many teams finished the draft with a surplus of unspent cash.

Ultimately, I hope every GM is excited with the team they've got, and let's not forget that free agency is a gold mine as new stars emerge. But until those players present themselves, here's TDZ's picks for the top picks and possible bust candidates for each squad.